Aries: You may think you stand alone, but even Santa needs elves. If he had an unlimited charge card and an Amazon account, tiny hands would never try to carve an iPad out of a wood block again. Go out and enjoy someone else’s company for a change.

Taurus: Everyone says Christmas is for kids, but those diamond commercials aren’t for your toddler, bucko. Open that wallet and make your sweetie squeal in a good way this year. Not like last year when you wrapped up those spiders and tried to pass them off as a leggy ant farm.

Gemini: Go ahead and attend the office Christmas party, just remember to wear an extra pair of underwear so your butt cheeks are still covered when your tuckus hits the cold glass of the copier.

Cancer: You look more out-of-place than Blake Shelton at a teetotalers meeting. Don’t worry, just flash a smile, whip out your rum balls and the party will come to you.

Leo: Quit trying to be the star on top of the tree and just enjoy the branch you’re dangling from now. The view is still lovely, and you don’t have pine needles up your butt.

Virgo: Not all who wander are lost; some are just trying to find a good parking place at the mall. If you keep circling, you’ll be the last one with gifts, but the first one in the return line on Dec.  26.

Libra: Your family will come together next Tuesday, and that’s when the fruitcake hits the fan. Remind yourself while you’re drinking tequila in the shower that this is the time for togetherness, because it makes us value the rest of the year we spend alone.

Scorpio: Relax. It doesn’t matter that your Christmas turkey comes out of the oven looking like Keith Richards after a weekend with Charlie Sheen. What matters is that the Chinese restaurant delivers, even on Christmas Day.

Sagittarius: On Tuesday, you’ll receive a sweater so ugly it can be used to awaken coma patients. On the bright side, your dresser will be mouse-free for years.

Capricorn: Sure, making whoopee under the Christmas tree sounds fun, until a crocheted ornament embeds itself so deeply into your back it looks like Grandma designed your tramp stamp. Just do what everyone else does: drink egg nog until you pass out.

Aquarius: On Friday, you’ll finally receive your Christmas bonus. You can either buy two packs of gum, or five crates full of Yoko Ono CDs. Oooh, look, spearmint!

Pisces: The holidays aren’t about what you get, but what you give, and you’ve given all the hints you can. Time to step back and let Santa do his work. If that fails, tell Mrs. Claus. She’s the one who will twist his candy cane until he makes it right.

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