Aries: You get your point across on Thursday without saying a word.  Could be that big stick you’re carrying, or the fact that you forgot to wear pants again. In any case, the office will be a very quiet place except for the giggling.

Taurus: It’s the holiday season, so creak open that wallet and spend five bucks on tinsel instead of spray-painting some old barbed wire fencing you found at the dump. Your loved ones and the ER staff will thank you.

Gemini: Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but fabulousness is all in the mind. You got the swag and the sizzle, so go be fabulous, baby!

Cancer: There are days when you just feel like the punchline to a bad knock-knock joke. You don’t have to worry about who’s there if you never answer the door. Bonus: that flaming bag of dog poop looks rather festive on your porch.

Leo: If wishes were horses, you’re going to be riding high atop that stallion on Wednesday. If you feed it enough dreams, it will crap out rainbows, which are so much easier to clean up.

Virgo: Diamonds may say “I love you,” but the gift of a new mop under the tree says “Set fire to my car while I sleep.” Re-think that gift unless you cherish the smell of flaming dashboard plastic.

Libra: You look worse than Keith Richards half-buried in a litter box.  Take some time for yourself this weekend and get some rest. Also, lay off snorting the fake snow spray.

Scorpio: Is romance fizzling out before you ever see fireworks? Maybe you just need somebody with a longer fuse. Keep your eyes open on Friday; you could see something that sparks you right up.

Sagittarius: You will do something this week that will make Santa love you more than all the special cookies in Washington and Colorado. When he brings you that gift-wrapped reward, have plenty of Cheetos on hand.

Capricorn: Work gets a little weird when someone finds your thong inside the vending machine. On the positive side, all the Baby Ruth bars on E-8 are now officially yours.

Aquarius: While everyone’s looking out for the bluebird of happiness, keep your eyes peeled for the pterodactyl of big-screen TVs. That’s the flying creature you should make your buddy, because then you would have the biggest television and a freaking dinosaur to watch “Homeland” with you.

Pisces: Expect a wonderful surprise on Saturday. You may not get it, but at least the expectation gives you something to do. Consider it the amateur magic show before the pony shows up at your birthday.

Advertisements