Aries: The only way you would follow your intuition is if it were wearing a short skirt and spiked heels. Listen to what that little voice is saying, and next time it won’t have to use the taser to get your attention.

Taurus: Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and other times a rabid monkey swings in, kicks the pieces and smacks you with the game board. Stick with Words With Friends and you won’t have to remove a tiny metal car from your nostril again.

Gemini: When one door closes, another door opens. But if karma only slides the door a couple of inches to taunt you, put on your best biker boots and kick that sucker down.

Cancer: You receive a blessing in disguise, but you won’t know it until the fake mustache falls off. Give a tug on that wig, too, unless you want another surprise.

Leo: News flash: life is not perfect. It’s loud, rude, pees on the carpet, drinks your beer and uses your last five dollars to buy lottery tickets. But there’s also joy in that chaos, so loosen up before it tinkles on your other shoe.

Virgo: Yes, the play’s the thing, but you don’t always get to direct. Sometimes you have to be Peasant With Mole and shuffle in the background. Don’t worry, you’ll get the chance to wear a beret and be a total pain in the ass very soon.

Libra: To everything there is a season, but apparently idiots are ripe all year long. If you pick one, two more will grow in its place, so just walk away from the garden for a while.

Scorpio: It’s fine to chase your dreams. Once they buy a motorbike and zoom off, however, you’ll need to re-think your strategy. Offer up some gas money so you can share the ride.

Sagittarius:  You’ll catch a break this week, but it won’t be easy. Wear gloves and use a net, because the lucky breaks bite. Karma kibbles or some bread crumbs will keep it happy enough to stay with you for a little while, too.

Capricorn: The best things in life are free: a child’s hug, a sunset, and watching your ex trip on the sidewalk. By the way, what are you going to do with the rest of those banana peels?

Aquarius: Other people float their dreams on the wind, but you twist yours into psychotic little balloon animals and train them to attack. If you can send them after people who forward those fake chain emails, you may have a business plan.

Pisces: You are the Slinky of the emotional world. You’re all bouncy and fun , but if someone pulls on you too hard, you’ll snap back and take off an ear. After that, you’ll be free to frolic down the stairs as you wish.