Aries: Your cup runneth over, yet all you can think about is the wet carpet. Relax and enjoy your blessings; maybe you’ll get a ShamWow for Christmas.
Taurus: Nothing says ‘love’ like diamonds. But if your wallet has gone mute, settle for a cola and a burger. Cheap dates are more fun and those diamond necklaces talk too much anyway.
Gemini: You finally become fed up with a sticky situation on Friday, and you take matters into your own hands. Patience is a virtue, but chasing someone around with a sharpened candy cane just feels good.
Cancer: If the answer is blowin’ in the wind, imagine what it would do for a Klondike bar. Ask a few skanky questions until you find out, and your week will perk up considerably.
Leo: You thought you were following the Yellow Brick Road; turns out you’ve been tracking a pack of sled dogs and drunk football fans through the snow. Get back on track while Oz is still in sight.
Virgo: It’s fine to be organized, but you’ve even labeled your labelmakers and filed them according to size. Get out of the house before you start alphabetizing the shows on your DVR. Go have a drink; alcohol usually fixes any nasty problems with orderliness.
Libra: If you’re going to sit on Santa’s lap in that outfit, at least make it quick so he doesn’t have anything embarrassing to explain to the reindeer. On the bright side, you could get a load of goodies in your stocking this year.
Scorpio: You know there are more fish in the sea, you’re just afraid they’re all hammerhead sharks. Be brave and dangle your tackle in the water anyway; you could score a sleek, sexy eel. If the moon hits your eye, it could be a-moray.
Sagittarius: Good news, your boss says you can come back to work once the hallucinations have stopped. If you want a paycheck, you should really quit painting mustaches on yourself with White-out.
Capricorn: Some people wait for their prince or princess, but not you. If you’re going to build your booty call in true Weird Science-style, remember to buy lots of batteries.
Aquarius: Beauty isn’t always in the eye of the beholder; sometimes it’s just in the touch. Grab your sweetie and set aside a weekend for the laying on of hands so you both can feel beautiful. Sweaty, but beautiful.
Pisces: You’re not used to smooth sailing, which may be why you’re flapping around in the water like an agitated seal. Relax. There’s no need to make waves, the universe has plenty in stock.