You are currently browsing the monthly archive for December 2012.

Aries: You may think you stand alone, but even Santa needs elves. If he had an unlimited charge card and an Amazon account, tiny hands would never try to carve an iPad out of a wood block again. Go out and enjoy someone else’s company for a change.

Taurus: Everyone says Christmas is for kids, but those diamond commercials aren’t for your toddler, bucko. Open that wallet and make your sweetie squeal in a good way this year. Not like last year when you wrapped up those spiders and tried to pass them off as a leggy ant farm.

Gemini: Go ahead and attend the office Christmas party, just remember to wear an extra pair of underwear so your butt cheeks are still covered when your tuckus hits the cold glass of the copier.

Cancer: You look more out-of-place than Blake Shelton at a teetotalers meeting. Don’t worry, just flash a smile, whip out your rum balls and the party will come to you.

Leo: Quit trying to be the star on top of the tree and just enjoy the branch you’re dangling from now. The view is still lovely, and you don’t have pine needles up your butt.

Virgo: Not all who wander are lost; some are just trying to find a good parking place at the mall. If you keep circling, you’ll be the last one with gifts, but the first one in the return line on Dec.  26.

Libra: Your family will come together next Tuesday, and that’s when the fruitcake hits the fan. Remind yourself while you’re drinking tequila in the shower that this is the time for togetherness, because it makes us value the rest of the year we spend alone.

Scorpio: Relax. It doesn’t matter that your Christmas turkey comes out of the oven looking like Keith Richards after a weekend with Charlie Sheen. What matters is that the Chinese restaurant delivers, even on Christmas Day.

Sagittarius: On Tuesday, you’ll receive a sweater so ugly it can be used to awaken coma patients. On the bright side, your dresser will be mouse-free for years.

Capricorn: Sure, making whoopee under the Christmas tree sounds fun, until a crocheted ornament embeds itself so deeply into your back it looks like Grandma designed your tramp stamp. Just do what everyone else does: drink egg nog until you pass out.

Aquarius: On Friday, you’ll finally receive your Christmas bonus. You can either buy two packs of gum, or five crates full of Yoko Ono CDs. Oooh, look, spearmint!

Pisces: The holidays aren’t about what you get, but what you give, and you’ve given all the hints you can. Time to step back and let Santa do his work. If that fails, tell Mrs. Claus. She’s the one who will twist his candy cane until he makes it right.

Aries: You get your point across on Thursday without saying a word.  Could be that big stick you’re carrying, or the fact that you forgot to wear pants again. In any case, the office will be a very quiet place except for the giggling.

Taurus: It’s the holiday season, so creak open that wallet and spend five bucks on tinsel instead of spray-painting some old barbed wire fencing you found at the dump. Your loved ones and the ER staff will thank you.

Gemini: Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but fabulousness is all in the mind. You got the swag and the sizzle, so go be fabulous, baby!

Cancer: There are days when you just feel like the punchline to a bad knock-knock joke. You don’t have to worry about who’s there if you never answer the door. Bonus: that flaming bag of dog poop looks rather festive on your porch.

Leo: If wishes were horses, you’re going to be riding high atop that stallion on Wednesday. If you feed it enough dreams, it will crap out rainbows, which are so much easier to clean up.

Virgo: Diamonds may say “I love you,” but the gift of a new mop under the tree says “Set fire to my car while I sleep.” Re-think that gift unless you cherish the smell of flaming dashboard plastic.

Libra: You look worse than Keith Richards half-buried in a litter box.  Take some time for yourself this weekend and get some rest. Also, lay off snorting the fake snow spray.

Scorpio: Is romance fizzling out before you ever see fireworks? Maybe you just need somebody with a longer fuse. Keep your eyes open on Friday; you could see something that sparks you right up.

Sagittarius: You will do something this week that will make Santa love you more than all the special cookies in Washington and Colorado. When he brings you that gift-wrapped reward, have plenty of Cheetos on hand.

Capricorn: Work gets a little weird when someone finds your thong inside the vending machine. On the positive side, all the Baby Ruth bars on E-8 are now officially yours.

Aquarius: While everyone’s looking out for the bluebird of happiness, keep your eyes peeled for the pterodactyl of big-screen TVs. That’s the flying creature you should make your buddy, because then you would have the biggest television and a freaking dinosaur to watch “Homeland” with you.

Pisces: Expect a wonderful surprise on Saturday. You may not get it, but at least the expectation gives you something to do. Consider it the amateur magic show before the pony shows up at your birthday.

Aries: The only way you would follow your intuition is if it were wearing a short skirt and spiked heels. Listen to what that little voice is saying, and next time it won’t have to use the taser to get your attention.

Taurus: Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and other times a rabid monkey swings in, kicks the pieces and smacks you with the game board. Stick with Words With Friends and you won’t have to remove a tiny metal car from your nostril again.

Gemini: When one door closes, another door opens. But if karma only slides the door a couple of inches to taunt you, put on your best biker boots and kick that sucker down.

Cancer: You receive a blessing in disguise, but you won’t know it until the fake mustache falls off. Give a tug on that wig, too, unless you want another surprise.

Leo: News flash: life is not perfect. It’s loud, rude, pees on the carpet, drinks your beer and uses your last five dollars to buy lottery tickets. But there’s also joy in that chaos, so loosen up before it tinkles on your other shoe.

Virgo: Yes, the play’s the thing, but you don’t always get to direct. Sometimes you have to be Peasant With Mole and shuffle in the background. Don’t worry, you’ll get the chance to wear a beret and be a total pain in the ass very soon.

Libra: To everything there is a season, but apparently idiots are ripe all year long. If you pick one, two more will grow in its place, so just walk away from the garden for a while.

Scorpio: It’s fine to chase your dreams. Once they buy a motorbike and zoom off, however, you’ll need to re-think your strategy. Offer up some gas money so you can share the ride.

Sagittarius:  You’ll catch a break this week, but it won’t be easy. Wear gloves and use a net, because the lucky breaks bite. Karma kibbles or some bread crumbs will keep it happy enough to stay with you for a little while, too.

Capricorn: The best things in life are free: a child’s hug, a sunset, and watching your ex trip on the sidewalk. By the way, what are you going to do with the rest of those banana peels?

Aquarius: Other people float their dreams on the wind, but you twist yours into psychotic little balloon animals and train them to attack. If you can send them after people who forward those fake chain emails, you may have a business plan.

Pisces: You are the Slinky of the emotional world. You’re all bouncy and fun , but if someone pulls on you too hard, you’ll snap back and take off an ear. After that, you’ll be free to frolic down the stairs as you wish.

Aries: Your cup runneth over, yet all you can think about is the wet carpet. Relax and enjoy your blessings; maybe you’ll get a ShamWow for Christmas.

Taurus: Nothing says ‘love’ like diamonds. But if your wallet has gone mute, settle for a cola and a burger. Cheap dates are more fun and those diamond necklaces talk too much anyway.

Gemini: You finally become fed up with a sticky situation on Friday, and you take matters into your own hands. Patience is a virtue, but chasing someone around with a sharpened candy cane just feels good.

Cancer: If the answer is blowin’ in the wind, imagine what it would do for a Klondike bar. Ask a few skanky questions until you find out, and your week will perk up considerably.

Leo: You thought you were following the Yellow Brick Road; turns out you’ve been tracking a pack of sled dogs and drunk football fans through the snow. Get back on track while Oz is still in sight.

Virgo: It’s fine to be organized, but you’ve even labeled your labelmakers and filed them according to size. Get out of the house before you start alphabetizing the shows on your DVR. Go have a drink; alcohol usually fixes any nasty problems with orderliness.

Libra: If you’re going to sit on Santa’s lap in that outfit, at least make it quick so he doesn’t have anything embarrassing to explain to the reindeer. On the bright side, you could get a load of goodies in your stocking this year.

Scorpio: You know there are more fish in the sea, you’re just afraid they’re all hammerhead sharks. Be brave and dangle your tackle in the water anyway; you could score a sleek, sexy eel. If the moon hits your eye, it could be a-moray.

Sagittarius: Good news, your boss says you can come back to work once the hallucinations have stopped. If you want a paycheck, you should really quit painting mustaches on yourself with White-out.

Capricorn: Some people wait for their prince or princess, but not you. If you’re going to build your booty call in true Weird Science-style, remember to buy lots of batteries.

Aquarius: Beauty isn’t always in the eye of the beholder; sometimes it’s just in the touch. Grab your sweetie and set aside a weekend for the laying on of hands so you both can feel beautiful. Sweaty, but beautiful.

Pisces: You’re not used to smooth sailing, which may be why you’re flapping around in the water like an agitated seal. Relax. There’s no need to make waves, the universe has plenty in stock.

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