Aries: Life is like a shopping cart: sometimes it’s smooth sailing, but most days, all you notice is the rough ride and the squeaky wheel. Quit trying to drive it and just let it go where it wants, even if it means you end up sprawled in the middle of a Spongebob display.
Taurus: You’re feeling more out of place than Lindsey Lohan at a think tank. Instead of running for the hills, why not try to learn a few things while you’re among new friends? If you can’t be smarter, at least make your tweets sound more intelligent.
Gemini: You’ll hear everything you desire on Wednesday: the pregnancy test is “no”, the job offer is “yes”, and the hair transplant is a “maybe.” All you need now is for that miffed penguin to drop the charges, and you’re golden.
Cancer: Love isn’t for the timid. It’s squishy, frustrating, spills wine on your clothes and takes the covers at night. But it’s definitely better than spending every night in the My Little Pony chatroom with a 7-foot-tall, hairy dude who calls himself Charlene Sparklenuts.
Leo: If you want to conquer the world, learn how to delegate. Most supervillains fail because they don’t have enough henchmen. Start now with just a couple of goons and work your way up.
Virgo: Feeling scattered? Finding your center is overrated. Just locate your upper left or slightly off-center right. Sometimes that’s enough to balance your warped perspective.
Libra: The truth will set you free, but it doesn’t want you following it home and sleeping on the foot of the bed. Become your own person instead of waiting for truth to drop a French fry during dinner.
Scorpio: You’re clamoring for a happy ending, but who says the story should end? Grab that masseuse and make a weekend of it in Vegas. You won’t know how the story ends, but you can guess by the glitter and cigar ash in your navel that you had a good time.
Sagittarius: You can’t take an inflatable doll home for Thanksgiving again. Remember the incident with the carving knife? Get out and meet new people. Sure, they talk a lot more than fake people, but you also don’t have to worry about stray toothpicks.
Capricorn: There’s nothing wrong with you that can’t be fixed with a little duct tape, some WD-40 and years of therapy with a licensed professional. Until you can save up for that, watch a few seasons of Dr. Phil and stay out of everyone’s hair.
Aquarius: You’re wearing your best 80s headband, a neon yellow tracksuit and light-up Mickey Mouse shoes. You may not win the race, but at least you’ll keep everyone entertained along the way, especially if you try those deep knee bends again.
Pisces: There are things worth fighting for, but you can find lots of pleasant hobbies that won’t get you kneecapped in the subway. If you insist on knitting a sweater vest for your dog, know how to defend yourself with those needles.