You are currently browsing the monthly archive for November 2012.

Aries: You can’t expect a starring role in every play that comes along, but you should at least have a speaking part in your own life. Go diva on someone’s ass and you’ll get that star on the door. Also possibly a giant make-up puff in the face.

Taurus: You have the attention span of a concussed Kardashian and the work ethic of a serial killer. Sounds like you’re about ready to launch a career in politics. Say all your crazy stuff up front so we know who you are.

Gemini: Music may be the food of life, but revenge makes a delightful dessert. Serve it iced with chocolate, caramel and a straw; someone’s getting a Thwappucino.

Cancer: True beauty doesn’t exist in airbrushed model photos. It lives in a sunset, a child’s smile when you turn on the Disney Channel and being able to pee in peace with the door closed. Enjoy your moment of beauty.

Leo: The only time it’s not good to have all the lights on you is during a manhunt. Otherwise, ham it up, enjoy the spotlight and watch for helicopters.

Virgo: You have all the right moves, and someone else has the perfect beat. You may not make beautiful music together, but at least you’ll burn a few calories and hours. Your attitude will thank you in the morning.

Libra: Even the quiet moments in life have something to teach us. Namely, don’t fall asleep after you’ve bought the kids the mega-variety pack of markers. You look like a member of KISS after a three-day bender.

Scorpio: Life isn’t for the timid. You have to grab it, goose it and shake it up a bit to make it dazzling. Fortunately, life rarely fills out a restraining order. It’s kinky like that.

Sagittarius: Confucius said it doesn’t matter how slowly you go, as long as you don’t stop. Sounds like he battled a few Black Friday crowds, too. Be careful if you plan to use some kung fu moves to land that cheap TV, because security cams catch everything these days.

Capricorn: If you play to win you get a trophy; play to lose, a payoff. But if you play to confuse, then you experience to joy of watching everyone’s befuddlement. Have a hearty laugh at their expense, and be prepared when they kick you off the team.

Aquarius: Forget chocolates: life is more like a basket of lollipops. Some will suck and others will end up stuck in your hair. Every now and then, you’ll find one that tastes just right.

Pisces: Others view you as hapless Charlie Brown, but in reality, you’re the kite in the tree. You may not be flying right now, but you can see your house from up there. Get ready for a gust to take you even higher.

Aries: Life can’t be defined by the bright shining moments. The times when you stub your toe in the dark and hop around on one foot until you find the spilled Legos, that’s when you learn something. Get ready for some knowledge on Thursday.

Taurus: What needs to be done and what you can get away with are two separate levels, but on Wednesday you’ll have to suck it up and do your job. Don’t worry, Bravo TV will still be there when you’re done.

Gemini: You’ve always done well on the kicking butt section, but you’re a little iffy on the taking names portion. Either get an assistant or quit sending personalized get-well cards afterward.

Cancer: Lately you’ve treated your sex appeal like a quart of Ben & Jerry’s left in the closet: it’s a great thing gone to waste, and now the carpet is kinda sticky. Steam-vac yourself and work that mojo. Someone’s got a spoon and is ready to scoop you up.

Leo: If you can’t be the best this week, strive to be the weird kid in the corner. Sometimes just being remembered is enough to make you noteworthy, just don’t over-do the body piercings, or you’ll whistle in the wind.

Virgo: Not everything is about you, but you’re starting to think perhaps it should be. Step back for a moment before you go full-on diva, because maintaining that drama queen status requires focus, commitment and no weekends off.

Libra: It may take a grizzled prospector and two pick-axes to bring out the best in you, but there is a heart of gold in there. Once you find it, try not to pawn it for jewelry or a new X-box.

Scorpio: You’re about to receive a lot of compliments and kudos for your hard work. Take them in stride, otherwise your ego will inflate so fast, it could be used as a annoying balloon outside a car dealership.

Sagittarius: You will receive a surprise in the mail on Friday. Stay calm, you probably aren’t a winner, but at least you can get a good discount on some naughty magazines.

Capricorn: Relax. There’s nothing wrong with you that a day off, a raise, and a complete personality makeover can’t fix. Until that happens, go ahead and wear your tin foil hat just so people are properly warned.

Aquarius: You’ve been going to your happy place so much, you have a permanent seat on the bus. Stop the commute and live in this reality for a while; you can trade in those frequent traveler miles for a new outlook.

Pisces: Drawing fine lines between emotions isn’t for you; your lines look like they were drawn by a chicken on crack. Quit allowing yourself to be defined by someone else’s brush and paint your own bizarre pictures.

 

Aries: You can teach an old dog new tricks, but that won’t keep him from sniffing someone else’s butt. If you truly want to keep his nose clean, get a leash.

Taurus: There’s a big opportunity coming up, but you’ll have to take a risk to get it. Remember to jump on the trampoline with your feet together, and don’t get your head stuck in the tree. Failure may be hilarious, but success would be a welcome change.

Gemini: Sometimes joy is like the prize in a Cracker Jack box: it gets smaller as the years go by. Get ready for a retro shot of awesomeness on Friday, because what you pull out of the popcorn will be worth its weight in gold.

Cancer: Consider Thursday a bacon-wrapped hug from the universe, dangling with cupcakes and telling you that you look like you’ve lost weight. Yes, it will be that good.

Leo: You have no problem lighting up the world, but people would appreciate it if you installed a dimmer switch. It’s hard to sleep next to a 100-watt disco ball, especially if there’s no Lady Gaga music involved.

Virgo: Quit looking for a sign from the universe; sometimes all you need is a postcard from your own brain. Clean out that mental mailbox and toss those old issues of the Weekly World News so the message can get through.

Libra: Nothing says “I care” like an exquisitely handcrafted piece of diamond jewelry. Thankfully, you don’t care that much, so just send a muffin basket and an envelope of temporary tattoos. It’s the thought that almost counts.

Scorpio: You can’t always be the good guy, but you don’t have to twirl your mustache and look for train tracks, either. Aim for “slightly deranged hipster” and you should hit the mark. Don’t stand still, though: there are other folks aiming for hipsters, too.

Sagittarius: There’s nothing in this world that can’t be fixed with good food, good wine and good pharmaceuticals. If you can’t swing that, you might as well have Thanksgiving dinner with your family.

Capricorn: Keep following the path you’re on and you’ll be like a penguin in a Speedo: odd and unnecessary. Ditch the butt floss and see if there’s any spare dignity on the rack in your size.

Aquarius: Part of being fabulous is embracing your flaws. Does anyone give Chuck Norris crap about that hair? Not to his face, they don’t. Be who you are, ferret ears, big feet and all. Work it, baby!

Pisces: Sometimes you don’t need the key to life to be happy, all you need is a good set of lock picks or know which window universe leaves unlocked. A car hanger works too, if you left your inner joy running and accidentally shut the door.

Aries: Life is like a shopping cart: sometimes it’s smooth sailing, but most days, all you notice is the rough ride and the squeaky wheel. Quit trying to drive it and just let it go where it wants, even if it means you end up sprawled in the middle of a Spongebob display.

Taurus: You’re feeling more out of place than Lindsey Lohan at a think tank. Instead of running for the hills, why not try to learn a few things while you’re among new friends? If you can’t be smarter, at least make your tweets sound more intelligent.

Gemini: You’ll hear everything you desire on Wednesday: the pregnancy test is “no”, the job offer is “yes”, and the hair transplant is a “maybe.” All you need now is for that miffed penguin to drop the charges, and you’re golden.

Cancer: Love isn’t for the timid. It’s squishy, frustrating, spills wine on your clothes and takes the covers at night. But it’s definitely better than spending every night in the My Little Pony chatroom with a 7-foot-tall, hairy dude who calls himself Charlene Sparklenuts.

Leo: If you want to conquer the world, learn how to delegate. Most supervillains fail because they don’t have enough henchmen. Start now with just a couple of goons and work your way up.

Virgo: Feeling scattered? Finding your center is overrated. Just locate your upper left or slightly off-center right. Sometimes that’s enough to balance your warped perspective.

Libra: The truth will set you free, but it doesn’t want you following it home and sleeping on the foot of the bed. Become your own person instead of waiting for truth to drop a French fry during dinner.

Scorpio: You’re clamoring for a happy ending, but who says the story should end? Grab that masseuse and make a weekend of it in Vegas. You won’t know how the story ends, but you can guess by the glitter and cigar ash in your navel that you had a good time.

Sagittarius: You can’t take an inflatable doll home for Thanksgiving again. Remember the incident with the carving knife? Get out and meet new people. Sure, they talk a lot more than fake people, but you also don’t have to worry about stray toothpicks.

Capricorn: There’s nothing wrong with you that can’t be fixed with a little duct tape, some WD-40 and years of therapy with a licensed professional.  Until you can save up for that, watch a few seasons of Dr. Phil and stay out of everyone’s hair.

Aquarius: You’re wearing your best 80s headband, a neon yellow tracksuit and light-up Mickey Mouse shoes. You may not win the race, but at least you’ll keep everyone entertained along the way, especially if you try those deep knee bends again.

Pisces: There are things worth fighting for, but you can find lots of pleasant hobbies that won’t get you kneecapped in the subway. If you insist on knitting a sweater vest for your dog, know how to defend yourself with those needles.

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