Aries: Your booty must be filled with jelly, because jam would be very sticky and you’d be covered in ants. Better yet, get rid of the jellybutt, and go for a tuckus made from memory foam.  Wear something non-clingy after the weekend, so no one sees the imprint of what you did.

Taurus: Forget hiding behind the scenes. This week you stand out more than a werewolf at a home waxing party. Part your back hair on the left and let them all stare in wonder.

Gemini: There is beauty in every moment, but it’s hard to see when you’re doing your own colonoscopy with your head. Pull out, wash your face and appreciate the world around you. Bet your friends and family will be thrilled to see you talking out of your mouth for a change.

Cancer: You don’t need money to make your dream come true. All you need is a blog, a photographer, a box of tiny wigs and a very open-minded beetle rancher. Everything else will fall into place.

Leo: Holding people up to your standards means you’ll be disappointed. Not everyone can achieve your level of awesomeness, so give them a six-pack of chances before kicking their butts.

Virgo: You know how to play the game, and you know the score. What you don’t know is how to sneak into the shower and steal all the towels. Perhaps a janitor with a licorice addiction can be paid off. Play to win, baby.

Libra: Sometimes bright ideas are meant to fizzle and crash like meteorites streaking through the sky. Let yours go and move on, before someone thinks it’s a UFO and calls the Men in Black.

Scorpio: Just because you have an endless supply of love doesn’t mean you should be handing out free samples to everyone. Keep the list short, so you have fewer people to notify in case of a recall.

Sagittarius: Finders may be keepers, but losers aren’t always weepers, especially if they installed a tracking chip in your head. Get those stitches checked out, because you might need a restraining order against a certain angsty, sparkling vampire.

Capricorn: Friday will be a good day, with no emergencies, no bad hair, no fender benders. You get a free pass from the universe that day, so don’t screw it up by collapsing in shock.  If you really can’t handle a stress-free day, hire a teenager to follow you around and comment on your decisions.

Aquarius: Just when you finally have all the answers, someone has changed all the questions. Don’t look at it as starting over, consider yourself a certified expert in Crap No One Else Wants To Know.

Pisces: It’s been a long, stressful year and you’re ready for some quiet relaxation. Switch your TiVo programming from “Walking Dead” and “Homeland” to a “Gilligan’s Island” marathon. There’s a good nap.

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