Aries: Forget rubber and glue: you’re an unraveled roll of duct tape, so everything will stick to you this week. Try to avoid pointy things like screwdrivers, scissors and your sweetie’s finger poking you in the chest.
Taurus: The chances of you being normal are about the same as Charlie Sheen rooming with Tim Tebow. Stop aiming for the impossible and just be your freaky self.
Gemini: You’re so tough on Wednesday, you could exorcise a haunted house just by cocking your eyebrow at it. Try your new Chuck Norris superpowers on your boss and you could end up with a raise or a new stapler.
Cancer: Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snort milk out your nose while dancing Gangnam-style, and you’re the newest hit on YouTube. This time, try to keep your pants on. Think of the children.
Leo: Your mojo is beyond hot on Friday; you’re stepping up to Freddie Mercury levels of awesomeness. Not everyone gets that kind of magic, so enjoy your stint as a prince of the universe.
Virgo: Your meticulousness saves the day at work when a receipt you’ve kept since 1991 proves to be important. No, not really, but isn’t it a bit spooky how the universe knows your fantasies? Maybe you should draw the blinds before indulging in that paper filing fetish.
Libra: Find the joy in your day, whether it’s watching children play innocently in the park or seeing them trip an asshat who’s texting while walking in the street. Ah, it’s the little things that make life so great.
Scorpio: Romance is in the air, but no one can detect it because of that thick cloud of Axe body spray orbiting you. Step into a breeze on Thursday and you could get lucky.
Sagittarius: You’ve been trying to apologize to someone close for days, but they’re not listening. Maybe you should try a couple of “I’m sorry” gift melons, preferably your own decorated in a skimpy negligee. If you’re a guy thinking of strapping on some cantaloupes, though, that could get weird.
Capricorn: Good news! You see a light at the end of the tunnel. Bad news: You also see your frenemy sneaking up to the breaker box. If a train leaves Chicago at 5 p.m., will you still have time to apply a wedgie and get out before it roars through? See, you thought you’d never use those word problem skills in real life.
Aquarius: Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but handing over your credit card and getting out of the way makes it vibrate with happiness. You’ll need that goodwill when you vacation in Vegas this year.
Pisces: Lately your life has been like Muppets in Karo syrup. It’s hilarious to watch, but you’re still stuck. Don’t worry, the fire hose of good karma is on its way.