You are currently browsing the monthly archive for October 2012.

Aries: Your booty must be filled with jelly, because jam would be very sticky and you’d be covered in ants. Better yet, get rid of the jellybutt, and go for a tuckus made from memory foam.  Wear something non-clingy after the weekend, so no one sees the imprint of what you did.

Taurus: Forget hiding behind the scenes. This week you stand out more than a werewolf at a home waxing party. Part your back hair on the left and let them all stare in wonder.

Gemini: There is beauty in every moment, but it’s hard to see when you’re doing your own colonoscopy with your head. Pull out, wash your face and appreciate the world around you. Bet your friends and family will be thrilled to see you talking out of your mouth for a change.

Cancer: You don’t need money to make your dream come true. All you need is a blog, a photographer, a box of tiny wigs and a very open-minded beetle rancher. Everything else will fall into place.

Leo: Holding people up to your standards means you’ll be disappointed. Not everyone can achieve your level of awesomeness, so give them a six-pack of chances before kicking their butts.

Virgo: You know how to play the game, and you know the score. What you don’t know is how to sneak into the shower and steal all the towels. Perhaps a janitor with a licorice addiction can be paid off. Play to win, baby.

Libra: Sometimes bright ideas are meant to fizzle and crash like meteorites streaking through the sky. Let yours go and move on, before someone thinks it’s a UFO and calls the Men in Black.

Scorpio: Just because you have an endless supply of love doesn’t mean you should be handing out free samples to everyone. Keep the list short, so you have fewer people to notify in case of a recall.

Sagittarius: Finders may be keepers, but losers aren’t always weepers, especially if they installed a tracking chip in your head. Get those stitches checked out, because you might need a restraining order against a certain angsty, sparkling vampire.

Capricorn: Friday will be a good day, with no emergencies, no bad hair, no fender benders. You get a free pass from the universe that day, so don’t screw it up by collapsing in shock.  If you really can’t handle a stress-free day, hire a teenager to follow you around and comment on your decisions.

Aquarius: Just when you finally have all the answers, someone has changed all the questions. Don’t look at it as starting over, consider yourself a certified expert in Crap No One Else Wants To Know.

Pisces: It’s been a long, stressful year and you’re ready for some quiet relaxation. Switch your TiVo programming from “Walking Dead” and “Homeland” to a “Gilligan’s Island” marathon. There’s a good nap.

Aries: They say no good deed goes unpunished, but you have the chance to slip several in while no one’s looking this week. Cram in the positive karma so you won’t be a cricket or a Kardashian in your next life.

Taurus: Some days you don’t need all the answers, you only need to talk fast enough to keep people distracted. Warm up that motormouth and open your forgotten gift of gab.

Gemini: People think you’re quiet, but they don’t realize when you sit alone and look thoughtful, you’re just listening to all the voices in your head. On Tuesday, your dual nature will tag-team you out of a peculiar situation.

Cancer: Life is a buffet and you keep picking at a plate of croutons. Take a chance and try the salmon. Even if it doesn’t work, you meet new people in the bathroom while you deal with the food poisoning.

Leo: You think you’re just focused, but those around you feel like an ant under glass in the sun. Back up and listen on Thursday; someone else’s day in the sun shouldn’t disintegrate them.

Virgo: You must go through a lot of wrong steps to learn all the right moves, so shake that booty and put your own spin on Friday. Forget dancing like no one is watching; just dance like no one cares.

Libra: Each problem is a blessing to make you wiser. Watch out for Monday, because you’ll be blessed right off the map. On Tuesday, you’ll be smart enough to never do that again.

Scorpio: Ready for a change of pace? You’re about to go from a slow jog to a “oh-my-god-there’s-a-tiger-behind-me” run. Wear your track shoes and keep some kitty treats in your pocket.

Sagittarius: You don’t have to be the best, you only have to be good enough and annoying enough so people will want you yet leave you alone. That’s the true key to success.

Capricorn: If you were truly meant to fly, you would have been born with a birthmark in the shape of a boarding pass and a transparent skin so the TSA could see through you.  Go ahead and take the bus, so you can meet all kinds of new, interesting and vaguely worrisome people.

Aquarius: Money can’t buy happiness, but it can keep your ex-spouses quiet. Enjoy your peace, even if you can’t afford a TV. There’s nothing on, anyway.

Pisces:  You keep looking for something right around the corner. If you follow enough corners, you end up where you started. Quit obsessing about 90-degree angles and create your own triumph out in the open.

Aries: When the universe throws you the ball, grab it and run toward the goal. Don’t worry if you score for the other team; at least you’ll get an “Awww” from the audience for trying your best. Unless, of course, you’re a grown-ass person. Then  you’ll be smacked in the head with soda cups.

Taurus: Your conscience and your secret desires are clashing so hard, you’ll experience some emotional chafing. Air out those problems before you start thinking funny and need medicated powder for your brain.

Gemini: No one expects the Spanish Inquisition, but they definitely see you coming in that outfit. One of you has spent a little too much time on the rack. Next time, seek professional help with your retail therapy.

Cancer: You’ll receive a message from beyond on Thursday. It will likely be from your mother-in-law, who’s beyond reason. Set your crystal ball to voicemail, and you’ll be fine.

Leo: Some are born to lead, others are born to follow, and a few exist just to drive slowly and make you late for work.  Take a deep breath and relax. You can’t let your head explode now, you just had the car detailed.

Virgo: Feeling dizzy, disoriented and a little nauseated? There’s a reason it’s called “falling” in love; mainly because the feeling closely resembles taking a header down the stairs. Bubble-wrap your heart before it’s too late.

Libra: What you do with the chicken is your business, but if you’re going to dress it up in a French maid outfit, forget the tiny feather duster. That’s just humiliating.

Scorpio: You have the chance to impress someone important on Friday. Bide your time, and know when to keep your fly and your lip zipped. There will be time later to let both run free.

Sagittarius: Playing games with the universe? You’ll be lucky if you only lose half your pieces, the dog swallows one of the dice and someone vomits on the board. Challenge karma to a hand of cards instead.

Capricorn: If you’re tired of getting your kite stuck in a tree, tie your string to something a little more substantial. An F-15 Eagle would be about right, and your loved ones would enjoy the vacation from your whining.

Aquarius: You’re old enough to know that life doesn’t give you lemons. It enrolls you in a fruit-of-the-month club, double-charges you for Tanzanian sunrise oranges, and then presents you with lemons. Consider yourself lucky; some folks just receive an expired packet of lemon juice.

Pisces: Achieving your dreams is easy: that just requires a full classroom, you and your underwear. Reaching goals takes a bit more work and far less social anxiety medication afterward. It’s your choice.

Aries: Forget rubber and glue: you’re an unraveled roll of duct tape, so everything will stick to you this week.  Try to avoid pointy things like screwdrivers, scissors and your sweetie’s finger poking you in the chest.

Taurus: The chances of you being normal are about the same as Charlie Sheen rooming with Tim Tebow. Stop aiming for the impossible and just be your freaky self.

Gemini: You’re so tough on Wednesday, you could exorcise a haunted house just by cocking your eyebrow at it. Try your new Chuck Norris superpowers on your boss and you could end up with a raise or a new stapler.

Cancer: Laugh and the world laughs with  you. Snort milk out your nose while dancing Gangnam-style, and you’re the newest hit on YouTube. This time, try to keep your pants on. Think of the children.

Leo: Your mojo is beyond hot on Friday; you’re stepping up to Freddie Mercury levels of awesomeness. Not everyone gets that kind of magic, so enjoy your stint as a prince of the universe.

Virgo: Your meticulousness saves the day at work when a receipt you’ve kept since 1991 proves to be important. No, not really, but isn’t it a bit spooky how the universe knows your fantasies? Maybe you should draw the blinds before indulging in that paper filing fetish.

Libra: Find the joy in your day, whether it’s watching children play innocently in the park or seeing them trip an asshat who’s texting while walking in the street. Ah, it’s the little things that make life so great.

Scorpio: Romance is in the air, but no one can detect it because of that thick cloud of Axe body spray orbiting you. Step into a breeze on Thursday and you could get lucky.

Sagittarius: You’ve been trying to apologize to someone close for days, but they’re not listening. Maybe you should try a couple of “I’m sorry” gift melons, preferably your own decorated in a skimpy negligee. If you’re a guy thinking of strapping on some cantaloupes, though, that could get weird.

Capricorn: Good news! You see a light at the end of the tunnel. Bad news: You also see your frenemy sneaking up to the breaker box. If a train leaves Chicago at 5 p.m., will you still have time to apply a wedgie and get out before it roars through? See, you thought you’d never use those word problem skills in real life.

Aquarius: Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but handing over your credit card and getting out of the way makes it vibrate with happiness. You’ll need that goodwill when you vacation in Vegas this year.

Pisces: Lately your life has been like Muppets in Karo syrup. It’s hilarious to watch, but you’re still stuck. Don’t worry, the fire hose of good karma is on its way.

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Aries: It’s a new day for you, fresh out of the wrapper. Enjoy these prime hours to the fullest, because Thursday will be another second-hand knockoff day for you. That one will be grimy around the edges and a little sticky.

Taurus: Friends don’t let friends wear those pants. Either you need new buddies, or you all should be checked for color blindness. Guess those bedpan margaritas finally bleached your brains.

Gemini: You have a rare opportunity at work, but will anyone believe the FedEx accidentally delivered that much duct tape and bubble wrap? Linger over the extra long lunch until the boss pops his way out of the conference room.

Cancer: You’re five pounds of love in a two-pound bag, so tell the lucky one who gets you to stand back, you really don’t know what will pop out. Could be a night of snuggling or a week of hot monkey action.

Leo: Lately you’ve been so deep, you need subtitles. Don’t worry about people understanding you; while mainstream success eludes you, you’ll be a hipster hero.

Virgo: Aw, look at that! You have a goal. It’s a cute little goal, too. You should love it and hug it and call it George. Don’t let any of your family see it, or it will be over-fertilized.

Libra: Beauty may walk in quiet grace, but ugly roars through having a good time with peppermint schnapps and bad jokes. Give your perfection the night off and boogie on down with some truly happy people. Just don’t take any pictures.

Scorpio: Expect a financial windfall on Tuesday. You may not get it, but you can still expect it. Maybe all that positive energy will manifest itself in a free cup of coffee or a cheap burger.

Sagittarius: You’re like the dog who waits patiently to be let out, even though the screen is long gone from the door. Quit waiting for permission to live your life and go roll in something fun.

Capricorn: There’s nothing more beautiful than a child’s smile, unless it’s plastered on a kid who hid your phone and won’t tell you where it is. Forget threats of military school, just tell them stories about your own childhood until they cave in tears of boredom.

Aquarius:  You’re feeling like a castoff copy of “50 Shades of Grey:” all tied up and nowhere to go. Loosen those mental knots and relax. If you really wanted to be tortured, you could just look at your bank balance.

Pisces: The universe is listening on Wednesday, so quit whining about your issues and go for the gusto: fresh vinyl seat covers for the car. Or a new car. Filled with cash. And prizes. You never know when the universe is in a winning game show mood.

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