Aries: A person is only as good as their word, and today your word is “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.” Expect to blow some minds and twist some tongues, you hot thing.

Taurus: If you try to enjoy life by holding it delicately with your pinkie out, you’re going to drop it, and the Universe is out of Super Glue.  Grab it like you’re trying to drink the last drop of coffee while bouncing down a dirt road. Getting life splashed on you is the best part of waking up.

Gemini: Do you have “kicking butt” on your to-do list for Friday? You should, right under “being awesome.” Whip out that inner Chuck Norris and go get yourself a supersized helping of coolness.

Cancer: They say no good deed goes unpunished, but your whopper slips under the radar on Thursday. Keep it up, because the Universe has a blind spot when it comes to your particular cause.

Leo: As one journey ends, a new one begins. This time, though, you know where the comfy seats are, and which convenience store stocks that rare peach energy drink. You’re unstoppable, especially if you eat that day-old burrito.

Virgo: Thursday will be a good day, especially after it has seen the paddling you gave Wednesday. Threaten Friday with a time out, and the weekend will be on its best behavior. Of course, there’s no controlling Monday.

Libra: You will make Charlie Sheen’s life seem dull and ordinary on Saturday. Luckily, a solar flare will erase the cell phone video of you, the ferret and Sarah Palin’s stunt double during that 50 cent margarita night.

Scorpio: If a little rain must fall, it will land and form a puddle right in front of your boss. You can either throw your coat over it in a gallant gesture, or just watch the show. Don’t worry, even Karma likes a good practical joke now and then.

Sagittarius: You’re trying to turn a game of Candyland into chess. Quit overthinking the situation: it’s only complicated if you want it to be. Once you see the answer, you’ll have some free time to do something about that wardrobe.

Capricorn: Your sweetie will be irresistible to you this weekend: they’ve never been more beautiful, especially since they’re holding a basket of bacon, beer and a TV remote. Rowr.

Aquarius: If you hear the answers blowing in the wind, you really need to take your meds. Crack open a book: those things are chock full of answers.

Pisces: New horizons open up to you. Sail away, sweet fishies, because this time you don’t have to swim: there’s a custom yacht ready to take you in style.

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