Aries: Get over yourself. If the sun truly shines out of your butt, you would be going through a lot more furniture.  Keep your pants on and let the Universe take the credit for an occasional good day.

Taurus: Sure, you can have it all, but where would you keep it? Clean out your closet before setting those goals; the whole enchilada takes up a lot of room, and it doesn’t share well with your girlie magazine collection.

Gemini: You are ready to tackle life and wrestle it to the ground, but you weren’t counting on life wearing shoulder pads. Some days all you can do is hang on to life around the ankles and let it drag you around the field for a while.

Cancer: Some days you’re the one mooning the world, other days you’re just the window. Wipe the butt prints off your head and be glad you’re not the one with the huge crack.

Leo: Feel free to dress for success, as long as you’re not shopping in the Emperor’s New Closet for an outfit. Sometimes clothes don’t make the man, they just make everyone else’s day. Plus, sunscreen can sting those sensitive spots.

Virgo: You can’t really know the future by texting it and being Facebook friends with it. You have to meet it face to face and realize the future is a crazy bee-yotch before you can make any progress with it.

Libra: Thursday will be the kind of day you want to rub up against while wearing velour, just so you can see the sparks fly. Tighten those bolts on your neck, because you could lose your head over Thursday.

Scorpio: Your social life has been so dreadful, even your bunny slippers don’t want to have anything to do with you. Wiggle into those leather pants, slip into those thigh-high boots and make an impact during lunch on Friday. If nothing else, your other problems will fade away when you forget the talcum powder.

Sagittarius: Who can take a rainbow and sprinkle it with dew? Anyone who has a toddler looking for a bathroom. Life can’t be all beer and Skittles; sometimes it’s milk and Cheerios. That’s okay, beer and skittles is how you got here, right?

Capricorn: You didn’t cause the 15-car pile-up known as your life, but you didn’t help matters by mistaking the radio button for the windshield wipers. Get off the curb and pay attention before someone has to pull a bumper out of your third chakra.

Aquarius: Your happy place may have surround sound and leather recliners, but it doesn’t have space to change your life. Pack a backpack and get out of your comfort zone so you can make a difference.

Pisces: No one knows what they’re truly capable of until they try to read a book while someone kicks the back of their seat for four hours. If you make it through Friday without giving someone their own foot as an enema, kudos to you.

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