You are currently browsing the monthly archive for September 2012.

Aries: A person is only as good as their word, and today your word is “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.” Expect to blow some minds and twist some tongues, you hot thing.

Taurus: If you try to enjoy life by holding it delicately with your pinkie out, you’re going to drop it, and the Universe is out of Super Glue.  Grab it like you’re trying to drink the last drop of coffee while bouncing down a dirt road. Getting life splashed on you is the best part of waking up.

Gemini: Do you have “kicking butt” on your to-do list for Friday? You should, right under “being awesome.” Whip out that inner Chuck Norris and go get yourself a supersized helping of coolness.

Cancer: They say no good deed goes unpunished, but your whopper slips under the radar on Thursday. Keep it up, because the Universe has a blind spot when it comes to your particular cause.

Leo: As one journey ends, a new one begins. This time, though, you know where the comfy seats are, and which convenience store stocks that rare peach energy drink. You’re unstoppable, especially if you eat that day-old burrito.

Virgo: Thursday will be a good day, especially after it has seen the paddling you gave Wednesday. Threaten Friday with a time out, and the weekend will be on its best behavior. Of course, there’s no controlling Monday.

Libra: You will make Charlie Sheen’s life seem dull and ordinary on Saturday. Luckily, a solar flare will erase the cell phone video of you, the ferret and Sarah Palin’s stunt double during that 50 cent margarita night.

Scorpio: If a little rain must fall, it will land and form a puddle right in front of your boss. You can either throw your coat over it in a gallant gesture, or just watch the show. Don’t worry, even Karma likes a good practical joke now and then.

Sagittarius: You’re trying to turn a game of Candyland into chess. Quit overthinking the situation: it’s only complicated if you want it to be. Once you see the answer, you’ll have some free time to do something about that wardrobe.

Capricorn: Your sweetie will be irresistible to you this weekend: they’ve never been more beautiful, especially since they’re holding a basket of bacon, beer and a TV remote. Rowr.

Aquarius: If you hear the answers blowing in the wind, you really need to take your meds. Crack open a book: those things are chock full of answers.

Pisces: New horizons open up to you. Sail away, sweet fishies, because this time you don’t have to swim: there’s a custom yacht ready to take you in style.

Aries: Get over yourself. If the sun truly shines out of your butt, you would be going through a lot more furniture.  Keep your pants on and let the Universe take the credit for an occasional good day.

Taurus: Sure, you can have it all, but where would you keep it? Clean out your closet before setting those goals; the whole enchilada takes up a lot of room, and it doesn’t share well with your girlie magazine collection.

Gemini: You are ready to tackle life and wrestle it to the ground, but you weren’t counting on life wearing shoulder pads. Some days all you can do is hang on to life around the ankles and let it drag you around the field for a while.

Cancer: Some days you’re the one mooning the world, other days you’re just the window. Wipe the butt prints off your head and be glad you’re not the one with the huge crack.

Leo: Feel free to dress for success, as long as you’re not shopping in the Emperor’s New Closet for an outfit. Sometimes clothes don’t make the man, they just make everyone else’s day. Plus, sunscreen can sting those sensitive spots.

Virgo: You can’t really know the future by texting it and being Facebook friends with it. You have to meet it face to face and realize the future is a crazy bee-yotch before you can make any progress with it.

Libra: Thursday will be the kind of day you want to rub up against while wearing velour, just so you can see the sparks fly. Tighten those bolts on your neck, because you could lose your head over Thursday.

Scorpio: Your social life has been so dreadful, even your bunny slippers don’t want to have anything to do with you. Wiggle into those leather pants, slip into those thigh-high boots and make an impact during lunch on Friday. If nothing else, your other problems will fade away when you forget the talcum powder.

Sagittarius: Who can take a rainbow and sprinkle it with dew? Anyone who has a toddler looking for a bathroom. Life can’t be all beer and Skittles; sometimes it’s milk and Cheerios. That’s okay, beer and skittles is how you got here, right?

Capricorn: You didn’t cause the 15-car pile-up known as your life, but you didn’t help matters by mistaking the radio button for the windshield wipers. Get off the curb and pay attention before someone has to pull a bumper out of your third chakra.

Aquarius: Your happy place may have surround sound and leather recliners, but it doesn’t have space to change your life. Pack a backpack and get out of your comfort zone so you can make a difference.

Pisces: No one knows what they’re truly capable of until they try to read a book while someone kicks the back of their seat for four hours. If you make it through Friday without giving someone their own foot as an enema, kudos to you.

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