Aries: When a little birdie tells you something juicy, think twice about acting on it, especially if he has early worm-breath. Can you really trust someone if they get up at the crack of dawn just to gobble something down?

Taurus: Finding a balance in your life can be difficult, but it would be a lot easier if you quit trying to stand on a big rubber ball like a performing seal. Relax, and let someone else jump on your balls.

Gemini: You don’t get a trophy just for participating in life; sometimes you have to make an effort to win the blue ribbon. Try your best this week because let’s face it, you’ll never win Miss Congeniality.

Cancer: Cleaning out the fridge is a great way to spend Saturday, as long as you don’t eat everything you find. You don’t want Sunday to be Explosive Diarrhea Day and have to steam-clean the church pews. Again.

Leo: Don’t worry about losing your marbles; life isn’t that kind of game. It’s more of a Twister/chess combo, with a little Five Card Stud mixed in. Limber up and get your poker face on, and you’ll have a fighting chance.

Virgo:  You’ll watch the mighty take a banana peel tumble on Thursday, and that’s your cue to either laugh like a crazed hyena or help them up. One will help your career, while the other just feels so right.

Libra: On Tuesday you’ll have a great hair day, you’ll find jeans that make your butt look adorable, and you’ll have a lilt to your voice that makes you sound like Samantha from ‘Bewitched.’ Don’t you dare hide indoors all day, get out and strut that stuff while you’ve got it.

Scorpio: Some days it doesn’t pay to get out of bed in the morning, but you’ll turn that into a moneymaking venture as well. Just remember to use protection and find a suitable pseudonym for your dirty movies; preferably nothing with “Wiggly” in it.

Sagittarius: Being anonymous suits you fine; the spotlight always adds ten pounds of ego anyway. Try selling your 15 minutes of fame on eBay to some overtanned reality star wannabe.

Capricorn: Everything in life is not a competition, but that won’t stop you from stretching a Finish tape across your office door. Remember to keep that at work, because it won’t go over well in the bedroom.

Aquarius:  This week, you’re like a Chinese buffet: you can be sweet, you can spicy, you can even be naked, but you’ll always be chicken. Find your bravery and move up on the food chain.

Pisces: Watch your tongue on Friday. Fat-bottomed girls may not actually make the world go round, but they can knock you out of orbit if you make remarks about their personal gravity.

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