Aries: Third time may be the charm, but the fifth time around is when people will start to pity you. At least they’re paying attention, and that’s all you wanted anyway, right?

Taurus: You know what you want, and you’re not afraid to go and get it. Unless, of course, it’s surrounded by rabid weasels and sharks with frickin’ laser beams. Now would be a good time to send in a mother-in-law or a useless cousin who’s been sleeping on your couch.

Gemini: You’re somebody’s hero today, so smile and strike your best Superman pose. You never need to know it’s because someone is impressed with how bouncy your hair is or that you haven’t tripped and knocked yourself out yet.

Cancer: Feeling cooler than Mohawk Guy after the Mars Curiosity landing? Well, normal mortals can never be that cool, but you’re at least as nifty as Urkel on a good day.

Leo: Oh, how the mighty have fallen! Good thing no one saw that, because no one would let you live that one down. Especially the part where the chicken went up your pants leg and the bowl of Jell-O bounced off your head.

Virgo: You’ll have a great day at work on Thursday. Could be a pay raise, or it could be you’ve just finally found the perfect place to goof off where no one can see you. Who looks in the office supply closet, anyway?

Libra: Only let a smile be your umbrella if there’s a raincloud of margaritas pouring down on you. Need a little salt? Go lick a long distance runner.

Scorpio: You’re like a well-written phrase in “50 Shades of Grey”: totally out of place and alone. Go find some awesome classics to hang out with, because they’ll never hold you down.

Sagittarius: You must know the secret password for Friday because every door opens and treasures jump into your hand. Enjoy this mojo while you can; it’s a rare opportunity to explore the ultimate goody bag of the universe.

Capricorn: Don’t worry, no one saw what you did on Monday, but everyone’s figured out you’re the reason the coffee tastes so bad today. Bring cake to the office tomorrow; they’ll forgive you.

Aquarius: You can’t please everyone all the time; in fact, life’s a lot more fun if you don’t even try. Do your own thing, and when people complain, just press your butt against the window pane harder.

Pisces: You can let Jesus take the wheel, just make sure the Flying Spaghetti Monster has the brakes. Together, they’re a NASCAR dream team who will win you the trophy. Keep Ganesha away from the blinkers, though, or people will be honking at you the whole trip.

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