You are currently browsing the monthly archive for August 2012.

Aries: When a little birdie tells you something juicy, think twice about acting on it, especially if he has early worm-breath. Can you really trust someone if they get up at the crack of dawn just to gobble something down?

Taurus: Finding a balance in your life can be difficult, but it would be a lot easier if you quit trying to stand on a big rubber ball like a performing seal. Relax, and let someone else jump on your balls.

Gemini: You don’t get a trophy just for participating in life; sometimes you have to make an effort to win the blue ribbon. Try your best this week because let’s face it, you’ll never win Miss Congeniality.

Cancer: Cleaning out the fridge is a great way to spend Saturday, as long as you don’t eat everything you find. You don’t want Sunday to be Explosive Diarrhea Day and have to steam-clean the church pews. Again.

Leo: Don’t worry about losing your marbles; life isn’t that kind of game. It’s more of a Twister/chess combo, with a little Five Card Stud mixed in. Limber up and get your poker face on, and you’ll have a fighting chance.

Virgo:  You’ll watch the mighty take a banana peel tumble on Thursday, and that’s your cue to either laugh like a crazed hyena or help them up. One will help your career, while the other just feels so right.

Libra: On Tuesday you’ll have a great hair day, you’ll find jeans that make your butt look adorable, and you’ll have a lilt to your voice that makes you sound like Samantha from ‘Bewitched.’ Don’t you dare hide indoors all day, get out and strut that stuff while you’ve got it.

Scorpio: Some days it doesn’t pay to get out of bed in the morning, but you’ll turn that into a moneymaking venture as well. Just remember to use protection and find a suitable pseudonym for your dirty movies; preferably nothing with “Wiggly” in it.

Sagittarius: Being anonymous suits you fine; the spotlight always adds ten pounds of ego anyway. Try selling your 15 minutes of fame on eBay to some overtanned reality star wannabe.

Capricorn: Everything in life is not a competition, but that won’t stop you from stretching a Finish tape across your office door. Remember to keep that at work, because it won’t go over well in the bedroom.

Aquarius:  This week, you’re like a Chinese buffet: you can be sweet, you can spicy, you can even be naked, but you’ll always be chicken. Find your bravery and move up on the food chain.

Pisces: Watch your tongue on Friday. Fat-bottomed girls may not actually make the world go round, but they can knock you out of orbit if you make remarks about their personal gravity.


Aries: Third time may be the charm, but the fifth time around is when people will start to pity you. At least they’re paying attention, and that’s all you wanted anyway, right?

Taurus: You know what you want, and you’re not afraid to go and get it. Unless, of course, it’s surrounded by rabid weasels and sharks with frickin’ laser beams. Now would be a good time to send in a mother-in-law or a useless cousin who’s been sleeping on your couch.

Gemini: You’re somebody’s hero today, so smile and strike your best Superman pose. You never need to know it’s because someone is impressed with how bouncy your hair is or that you haven’t tripped and knocked yourself out yet.

Cancer: Feeling cooler than Mohawk Guy after the Mars Curiosity landing? Well, normal mortals can never be that cool, but you’re at least as nifty as Urkel on a good day.

Leo: Oh, how the mighty have fallen! Good thing no one saw that, because no one would let you live that one down. Especially the part where the chicken went up your pants leg and the bowl of Jell-O bounced off your head.

Virgo: You’ll have a great day at work on Thursday. Could be a pay raise, or it could be you’ve just finally found the perfect place to goof off where no one can see you. Who looks in the office supply closet, anyway?

Libra: Only let a smile be your umbrella if there’s a raincloud of margaritas pouring down on you. Need a little salt? Go lick a long distance runner.

Scorpio: You’re like a well-written phrase in “50 Shades of Grey”: totally out of place and alone. Go find some awesome classics to hang out with, because they’ll never hold you down.

Sagittarius: You must know the secret password for Friday because every door opens and treasures jump into your hand. Enjoy this mojo while you can; it’s a rare opportunity to explore the ultimate goody bag of the universe.

Capricorn: Don’t worry, no one saw what you did on Monday, but everyone’s figured out you’re the reason the coffee tastes so bad today. Bring cake to the office tomorrow; they’ll forgive you.

Aquarius: You can’t please everyone all the time; in fact, life’s a lot more fun if you don’t even try. Do your own thing, and when people complain, just press your butt against the window pane harder.

Pisces: You can let Jesus take the wheel, just make sure the Flying Spaghetti Monster has the brakes. Together, they’re a NASCAR dream team who will win you the trophy. Keep Ganesha away from the blinkers, though, or people will be honking at you the whole trip.

Aries: Wondering about your toxic relationship? The hazmat team will answer your questions when they drop by Friday and slap a scary-looking sticker on your butt. Read the pamphlet they give you, because there are things baking soda and vinegar just can’t fix.

Taurus: In every life a little rain must fall, but you’ve been in the swamp so long, you’re attracting frogs. Don’t kiss any of them, just keep wading until you hit dry land.

Gemini: Quit waiting to spot the end of the rainbow to score your fortune. If the leprechaun has to star in horrible movies and shill cereal, how much cash do you think he has left? Find a job, and maybe send a little money to Lucky Charms boy when you can.

Cancer: Each new day is like a clean Etch-A-Sketch, just waiting for your crappy staircase drawing. Try something different today and carefully draw a circle. Go on, it’s not likely to be vicious.

Leo: Usually there’s a simple elegance in everything you do, but lately your life looks like it was drawn by third-graders hopped up on Red Bull and Mountain Dew. Take a break and find the grace before you get a crayon in the ear.

Virgo: No one expects you to be the best. Frankly, if you do hit perfection, it just depresses the crap out of everyone. Stay mediocre and you’ll always have company.

Libra: It takes more than a superhero cape to make you special. You’ll need a mask, too. Maybe some boots. You’ll also need lots and lots of Spanx. Just don’t sneeze, or you’ll take out someone’s eyeball.

Scorpio: Something you want isn’t in the cards, but it could be in that old Clue game in the closet. Pat down Professor Plum and you’ll end up with a surprise.

Sagittarius: What you need is a few days off with little umbrella drinks and a glistening pool boy. What you’re going to get is a few extra shifts because everyone’s on vacation. Hey, at least you’ll have a few extra bucks to stick in the pool boy’s waistband.

Capricorn: There’s more to life than work, microwave dinners and Saturday night beer. There’s also bowling. Maybe you should get out of your rut before you need a pit diving crew to find you. If you stay there much longer, you’ll need flares.

Aquarius: You’ll become rich when you invent the emergency cookie batter dispenser and install it by dressing rooms and therapists’ offices everywhere. But you can only get there if you quit eating all the stock. Put down the tube of cookies.

Pisces: Usually you run from decisions like a sparkly vampire running from a mob of soccer moms, but you’ll have to make a choice this week. Don’t worry, this won’t happen often.

Aries:  You’re concerned about your luck running out, and you shouldn’t be. It’s bad luck, of course, but there’s an endless supply, because you get a free mega-cup of it every time you do something stupid.

Taurus: Be glad you’re not a special little snowflake, because you would go up in a poof of smoke during this heat wave. There’s something to be said for being just one of the crowd: mainly, that no one can pick you out in a line-up.

Gemini: You don’t always get to pick your time to shine; sometimes it happens while you’re in the bathroom, or it could happen while you’re sleeping. If it’s the latter, at least you’re useful as a nightlight.

Cancer: Look for your good fortune to arrive on Saturday. It will be cunningly mislabeled in a box called “Hard Work and Sacrifice.” Most people never think to look there, so it’s overflowing.

Leo: There’s more to life than loving yourself; sometimes you need to know how much others love you, too. Passing out the surveys may have been a bit much, though. If you’re worried about it, just offer free beer at your birthday party.

Virgo: Before you starting kissing frogs to find your prince, think about what you’re doing to the amphibian community. Be selective about your pucker, otherwise they’ll name a strain of froggy herpes after you.

Libra: Reflection is good for the soul, but you’re not getting there by staring in the mirror constantly perfecting your ‘do.  Go out of the house and do something that will muss up your hair. Do it soon because frankly, your reflection is sick of looking at you.

Scorpio: Work presents some challenges, but it’s nothing you can’t handle. Just remember to use a chair to hoist your butt on the copier so you won’t pull a muscle again, and lick only the donuts you want, not all of them, so you don’t sleep in a sugar coma under your desk.

Sagittarius: You know what you’re looking for, it’s just that stores don’t carry buckets large enough to contain your awesome. Make it a DIY project and donate an extra one as a hot tub for cranky bears. See? Awesome.

Capricorn: Some days you’re the bird, some days you’re the windshield. Today you’re the glass replacement specialist who needed a break. Thank goodness there are plenty of angry birds to go around.

Aquarius: You’re feeling hotter than a ring of power sinking into the lava of Mount Doom. Work that mojo, because you can’t be invisible any more, sweet thing.

Pisces: Some people love the roller coaster of life, while others prefer putting along on the teacup ride. You always find a park bench and settle in with a good book. Hey, sometimes the thrills of the imagination are enough.

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