Aries: Only love and remotes are universal; everything else takes a bit of translation. Sound out the clues and you may be pleasantly surprised. Or you’ve just ordered a moose with everything.
Taurus: The mouse of truth will run up your pants leg and give you a moment of panic. If nothing else, you’ll discover another excellent reason to buy new underwear.
Gemini: People say the quality of life counts more than the quantity, but when you’re getting multi-mega-bulk packs, the generic days are looking pretty sweet. Enjoy some off-brand times.
Cancer: There’s nothing wrong with your scheme, but the world isn’t quite ready to see grizzly bears in g-strings. You really don’t want to make them crankier than they already are. Step away from the zoo and Victoria’s Secret, and you’ll end the day with both arms intact.
Leo: You’ve got a fire in your belly, a light in your eyes and a spark up your butt. You should quit eating from that taco truck. Whatever you do, don’t let out a poot near a dry, grassy field.
Virgo: There are more important things in life than good grades or prime parking spaces. Like cupcakes or bourbon. Get your priorities straight; why fight when you can nosh?
Libra: You may feel like a moth to a flame, but actually you’re just standing too close to a Leo after lunch. Once your eyes quit watering, you’ll be free to make that stupid mistake you’ve been pining about.
Scorpio: Love isn’t a two-way street, it’s a five-lane freeway with no lights and bad drivers. If you want to make it work, sometimes you gotta think fast. Remember that on Tuesday.
Sagittarius: If you’re planning to go ahead and jump from the frying pan into the fire, at least wear your Teflon skivvies. Even a tub full of aloe vera won’t soothe a Brazilian by scorching.
Capricorn: You’re like a jigsaw puzzle dumped in the glue vat. You may appear to be all together, but you don’t make a bit of sense. Step back and re-think your life path before it hardens.
Aquarius: Not all birds are meant to soar; some just waddle along and look cute. If you can’t explore the sky, maybe you can score a gig as an adorable greeting card model.
Pisces: Dig deep within yourself this week. Sure, you’ll find lost keys, half-eaten candy bars and a Blockbuster video tape you never returned, but you’ll also discover talent and perseverance. You can use that right after you watch “Car 54, Where Are You?” with Fran Drescher and Nipsey Russell.