You are currently browsing the monthly archive for July 2012.

Aries: Only love and remotes are universal; everything else takes a bit of translation. Sound out the clues and you may be pleasantly surprised. Or you’ve just ordered a moose with everything.

Taurus: The mouse of truth will run up your pants leg and give you a moment of panic. If nothing else, you’ll discover another excellent reason to buy new underwear.

Gemini: People say the quality of life counts more than the quantity, but when you’re getting multi-mega-bulk packs, the generic days are looking pretty sweet. Enjoy some off-brand times.

Cancer: There’s nothing wrong with your scheme, but the world isn’t quite ready to see grizzly bears in g-strings. You really don’t want to make them crankier than they already are. Step away from the zoo and Victoria’s Secret, and you’ll end the day with both arms intact.

Leo: You’ve got a fire in your belly, a light in your eyes and a spark up your butt. You should quit eating from that taco truck. Whatever you do, don’t let out a poot near a dry, grassy field.

Virgo: There are more important things in life than good grades or prime parking spaces. Like cupcakes or bourbon. Get your priorities straight; why fight when you can nosh?

Libra: You may feel like a moth to a flame, but actually you’re just standing too close to a Leo after lunch. Once your eyes quit watering, you’ll be free to make that stupid mistake you’ve been pining about.

Scorpio: Love isn’t a two-way street, it’s a five-lane freeway with no lights and bad drivers. If you want to make it work, sometimes you gotta think fast. Remember that on Tuesday.

Sagittarius: If you’re planning to go ahead and jump from the frying pan into the fire, at least wear your Teflon skivvies. Even a tub full of aloe vera won’t soothe a Brazilian by scorching.

Capricorn: You’re like a jigsaw puzzle dumped in the glue vat. You may appear to be all together, but you don’t make a bit of sense. Step back and re-think your life path before it hardens.

Aquarius:  Not all birds are meant to soar; some just waddle along and look cute. If you can’t explore the sky, maybe you can score a gig as an adorable greeting card model.

Pisces: Dig deep within yourself this week. Sure, you’ll find lost keys, half-eaten candy bars and a Blockbuster video tape you never returned, but you’ll also discover talent and perseverance. You can use that right after you watch “Car 54, Where Are You?” with Fran Drescher and Nipsey Russell.

Aries: .Life is what you make of it, but sometimes you have to admit you’re a lousy cook. Keep it simple this week, so you don’t have to repaint the kitchen again.

Taurus: It’s fine to let someone probe the depths of your soul, as long as they don’t go all alien on your butt. Wear some form-fitting tighty-whities so no one can get their tool too close to your X-File zone.

Gemini: The Twins feel like playing a little “Freaky Friday” this week. The problem? Two personalities, one body, no waiting. Expect to wake up in some strange places on Saturday.

Cancer: Some days you should come with a warning label. Other days, that would just spoil all the fun.  The Universe will let you decide which kind of day you’ll have on Wednesday. Remember to take your camera.

Leo:  No light shines as brilliantly as the eyes of a woman in love, but you still can’t read by it. Tell her to get some sleep and get yourself a lamp.

Virgo: You can’t always be the superhero; sometimes you’re the sidekick who carries change for the parking meter so the Batmobile doesn’t get towed. Again. Make sure you have that roll of quarters on Monday.

Libra: There’s no solving your problems with alcohol, but a chocolate martini will get the equation buzzed enough to quit worrying about that pesky “x” for a little while. Tomorrow you can get to the square root of the problem.

Scorpio: If a pretty girl is like a symphony, you’re more like a hillbilly jug band. Don’t worry, when Saturday night rolls around, you’ll have the right audience.

Sagittarius: Just when you think you have all the answers, you discover they came out of a Spongebob Squarepants puzzle book. At least the knock-knock jokes will get you some respect with six-year-olds and your brother-in-law.

Capricorn: You can give it all you have to make those dreams come true, but you’ll likely end up with nothing but a broken stepstool, a torn sparkly vest and a disappointed monkey. Scale that vision back a bit, and stock up on bananas.

Aquarius: You’re worried about the new guy being a snake in the grass, but you should be more concerned with the snake in his pants. Is that a boa constrictor or what? Frisk him and find out. It’s your civic duty.

Pisces: You’ve had so many close calls with stardom, you have sideswiped glitter in some very odd places. You’ll get another chance to trade paint with fame and this time, grab hold of the bumper and hang on.

Aries: It’s fine to find your passion, as long as your passion isn’t in your neighbor’s hammock, with the hot neighbor still in it. There are better ways to spend a summer day than watching your sweetie torch your possessions.

Taurus: A good deed earns you a rich reward on Wednesday. Remember, don’t spend all of that shiny quarter in one place, and you can’t tuck change into a G-string.

Gemini: The key to love isn’t about whispering sweet nothings to your lover; it’s knowing when to keep your mouth shut. Show a little love this week when you see something unexpected in the garage, like a car without a fender.

Cancer: Your intelligence usually lights up any conversation, but these days you couldn’t even outglow a lightning bug. Quit spending so much time with Gordon Ramsay and the TV, and crack open a book now and then.

Leo: If one door closes, why settle for just one opening? Throw open all those doors so the sweet breeze of inspiration can waft through. Don’t panic if opportunity forgets knocking and just flops on the couch.

Virgo: Your best days may be behind you, but you have a lot of steamy nights ahead. Dress in something that’s easy to rip off with your teeth while balancing on the refrigerator.

Libra: You are so hip, you’re into music that hasn’t even been played yet. Tell others to get into the cosmic groove while you toot your own horn.

Scorpio: Forget what your friends say; you are a vision of loveliness today, especially if the other person just had eye surgery. Carry some treats for the seeing eye dog, and you’ll have a new fan.

Sagittarius: Being kind to everyone helps you sleep at night, but it doesn’t get your stereo back. Tell your ex that you want your tunes or you spill everything about spring break on Facebook.

Capricorn: Why settle for second-best? You can easily collect third, fourth and fifth-best, too. That way, you’ll have the whole set. Even the first-place guy doesn’t have that.

Aquarius: Tuesday will be your lucky day: your hair will look good, your pants fit right, and no one mocks you at the buffet when you go back for thirds. You have it going on!

Pisces: Ideas are like wildflowers, so feel free to roll in them until you find where the raccoon pooped. Dreams require love, stardust and a heaping helping of fertilizer.

Aries: If a dark cloud appears overhead, enjoy the shade. You’ve been in the limelight so long, your skin is getting leathery. Soak up some quiet, some moisture and a little aloe vera if you can.

Taurus: It may be true you can’t find your butt with a GPS device and a monkey pointing the way, but look at it this way: you always have a challenge ahead of you.

Gemini: Some people are Sudoku puzzles, but you’re a word seek on a pizza parlor kids’ mat: easy to solve, fun to read and you usually have food or crayons stuck to you at any given time.

Cancer: The best things in life are free, but if you screw it up, they come with alimony payments and restraining orders. Be cautious on Thursday, because you really don’t need any more paperwork.

Leo: Every great journey begins with a single step, unless you’ve hired a Maori wrestler to carry you. Give him frequent water breaks and occasionally hop down and run in the grass, just to make sure your own feet still work.

Virgo: Nothing is impossible for you this week. If you don’t like walking off into the sunset, change sunsets. We hear Mars is perfect for when you’re feeling blue. And Uranus? Hey, we’re not touching that.

Libra: If you put your mind to it, you can do great things, but if you put your back into it, you can vacuum under the couch. Only one can give you a sense of accomplishment by 4 p.m.

Scorpio: No man is ever so great as when he stoops to help a child. But if he’s smart, he’ll wear shin guards, because that little terror will kick him to the bone. Better wear a cup on Friday, too.

Sagittarius: Smile and the world wonders what you’re up to; laugh uncontrollably, and they’ll peg you as a supervillain. The laugh’s on them, though: you’re the one with the sweet volcano hangout.

Capricorn: You’ll confuse everyone on Saturday if you wear a tinfoil hat and buy the whole bar a round of beer. Extra points if you carry a towel.

Aquarius: You’ll be exposed to ridicule if you wear those pants on Monday. You’ll also be exposed to intense UV rays, so put some sunscreen on those butt cheeks.

Pisces: Life is like a carousel: one minute you’re up, next minute you’re down, but most of the time you’re just waiting for the repairman. Hang onto your gearbox, sweetie, because this week will be a fun ride.

Aries: Your luck will change on Tuesday. If life has been sucky lately, good news! But if things have been going well, sorry dude. There’s also the chance that at this point in your life, you won’t know the difference.

Taurus: Keep track of your cellphone, because you will buttdial someone this weekend. By next week, your left cheek will be in a relationship, but there’s no guarantees the honey will like the rest of you.

Gemini:  All your ideas are great this week, even that one involving the hang glider and a jar of pickles. Fly straight and true and keep your knees together, because anything is possible.

Cancer: A rare beam of sunlight scorches its way into your dark corner on Friday. You may not be used to the brightness, so grab some SPF 50 for the soul and soak in some rays while it lasts.

Leo: Sometimes you need to step back from a situation, other times you should just run away screaming. Clear your throat, because loud and fast is the only way to get out of this. It will also scare the monkeys so they won’t follow you.

Virgo: Desperate times call for desperate measures, and nothing is more desperate than ¾ cup. Use it wisely, though. If your cup runneth over, you’ll have to start from scratch again.

Libra: People are used to the quiet beauty in everything you do, so that high-pitched screeching noise will surprise them on Thursday. You sound like you need new brakes or you have fighting wombats in your hair. Either way, folks will leave you alone.

Scorpio: Kindness can go a long way in smoothing over that big mistake. Do it again, however, and not even Mother Teresa could spring your butt from that sling. Watch your “p”s, your “q”s, and definitely keep track of your “f”s and “u”s.

Sagittarius: You know what you want out of life, why are you waiting for the universe to drop it at your feet in a gift bag? Find the perfect fit, size and color for yourself so you won’t have to wait in line to exchange it.

Capricorn: You are the apple of someone’s eye, but to another person, you’re just a zucchini left over from the garden. Don’t pout while rotting on the vine, go prove to them that you’re better when fresh and tangy.

Aquarius: Some people find their place in the universe, others have to make it. Grab your pickaxe and make your own divot in the topsoil. Not only can you carve out your own niche, you can add a spare room for company if you want.

Pisces: Find harmony in your world. If Harmony has the day off, find Ralph. He has the master keys to everything, plus he knows how to change the thermostat.

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