Aries: If you’re not having a sunny day, it’s because you’re eyeline is stuck where the sun don’t shine again. Give yourself a buttheadectomy and see how bright your life can be. Fresher air, too.

Taurus: Sometimes one small step for man just means he tripped on the carpet. Take a big step forward on Friday and you’ll find your own final frontier to explore. With any luck, there will be space babes.

Gemini: Variety is the spice of life, but mixing ghost peppers, wasabi and cinnamon apple sauce may make your head explode. Dial it down to make your life something you’ll enjoy and not just a ‘Jackass’ stunt.

Cancer: You save the day, win the game and the crowd goes wild! Maybe you should have worn underwear if you planned to do that end zone dance. Ah well, it’s not like everyone has cameras these days, right?

Leo: If the days just fly by, try setting out some seed like Wile E. Coyote. You may not catch a day under a net, but you’ll feel like you’ve participated in the week and Monday may even nibble from your hand.

Virgo: All around you are ever-flowing rivers of love and stupidity. It’s up to you where you dip your bucket, but drinking from the stupid enables you to enjoy television much more.

Libra: Each day is an exercise in humility this week. By the time Saturday rolls around, you’ll have some well-developed humble muscles. We would recommend showing them off in a revealing yet cute outfit, but that would go against the point, wouldn’t it?

Scorpio: You get a chance to undo something you’ve done on Thursday. While you may not think there’s anything in it for you, remember that every day is a job interview for Karma’s inner office, where they have catered lunches, cupcake breaks and Tequila Fridays.

Sagittarius: Just when you think you have something all sewn up, some joker comes along to pop your stitches. Embroider his ass to the wall, and re-do your quilt with a staple gun. No one will unravel that.

Capricorn: Music may soothe the savage breast, but it won’t do anything for that pair of hooters you just passed. Those silicone bad boys were angry and out front. So quit following them already.

Aquarius: They say the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. This is especially true when one of those points is your head, and the other is a club. Stay out of dangerous situations this week before you become an elementary school math problem.

Pisces: Every day can be improved with good wine and a good book. Of course, if the wine is really good, the book becomes optional.

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