Aries: Silver’s never been good enough for you, because you want a cloud with a platinum lining. You’ll be lucky to score a few handfuls of tinfoil, but at least you can turn them into a hat and deflect a little of that attitude.

Taurus: On Friday, you’ll receive something you’ve always wanted. You’re still into Legos, right? Sorry, the universe is a bit behind on wish fulfillment. By the time you get that sexy blonde, you’ll forget what to do.

Gemini: Good things come in small packages, but better things arrive in big-ass boxes. For once, you’ll actually know when fortune smiles on you, and it won’t be one of those sarcastic, crap-eating smiles, either.

Cancer: You know all the right moves, but the cosmic jukebox is playing the wrong tunes. Go smack it like the Fonz and the soundtrack of your life will snap into step. Also? You’ll look so cool.

Leo: Not every situation requires a mighty roar; sometimes people jump higher over a tiny meow. Do your best Puss-in-Boots impersonation and the hotties will melt over that stray cat strut.

Virgo: Relax. You’re jumpier than a politician nudged next to a lie detector. Luckily you don’t have anything to hide, unless you count that weekend at the goat rodeo with Charlie Sheen.

Libra: You will be surrounded by friends throughout life, because you are the best kind of buddy: a forgetful one. Your memory loss is your comrades’ gain, unless someone whips out a camera phone to record those freaky moments.

Scorpio: Your skill isn’t being the fastest horse in the race, it’s being the first one to pose in front of the TV cameras. Trot out your best smile, and take comfort in the fact that style trumps substance these days.

Sagittarius: In every life a little rain must fall, but no one said anything about a thundering crapstorm. Dodge the hail of turds and hole up somewhere safe until a good rain flushes the bad days away.

Capricorn: You’re smart, witty, sexy, and a little gullible, too. If you’re going to wear your heart on your sleeve, have it Scotchgarded first. It will repel tears, blood and hot fudge sauce.

Aquarius: Always look on the bright side of life, because it’s easier to read books that way. A sunny disposition is the best book light, unless you’re a miner with one of those cool helmets.

Pisces: Despite what you think, every obstacle isn’t the Empire State Building. Occasionally those hurdles are just lively ferrets to be gingerly stepped over, so tiptoe through that furry minefield and you’ll reach your goal. Hopefully one of your obstacles won’t run up your pants leg.

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