Aries: You have a special gift, and it’s not burping the alphabet in time to “Sexy and I Know It.” Look inside and see what you have to offer the world besides an 8-year-old’s party trick. If you come up empty-handed, at least you can do kids’ parties.

Taurus: You shine brighter than everyone around you, but that could just be the searchlights focused on you. Slip away from the helicopters and start a new life as a dog massage therapist.

Gemini: Dreams do come true. If you’re lucky, it’s the lofty ones you have while you’re awake, not those unsettling ones about Drew Carey and a tub of Baconnaise. Quit surfing the Internet after midnight, get some sleep, and make the good ones come true.

Cancer: Not everyone is born to command, but you’re equally lousy at taking orders, too. Try to find a quiet corner in the universe’s motorpool where you can nap undisturbed.

Leo: Being attached isn’t always a bad thing; it seems to work well for duct tape and SuperGlue. Of course, if you’re the chatty Cathy who’s just been silenced with the silvery stuff, perhaps you should re-think more than your attachments. Like not pissing off your honey during dinner.

Virgo: Laugh and the world laughs with you, unless it’s one of those arch-villain creepy laughs. You’re pretty much on your own for that one. Take a dodgeball to the crotch area, though, and everyone will be laughing again.

Libra: You know what you want, and you’re not afraid to go after it, but maybe you should be. Some questions are not only best left unanswered, someone should take an eraser to the question itself.

Scorpio: Revel in the joy of this day, because yesterday royally sucked. You have some mild suckage riding in on a big sucky front tomorrow, but today is pretty darn spiffy.

Sagittarius: You can never have too many friends or too much cake. Unless, of course, each of your friends want a piece of the cake. Then you might want to pare down that friends list on Facebook.

Capricorn: There are few things more joyous than a kid who just received a free lollipop. Friday will be your sugary, guilt-free treat, so stick that tongue out and enjoy it. Hey, no biting.

Aquarius: The old grey mare ain’t what she used to be. That’s because she got equine cosmetic surgery, went on a healthy diet and is now posing for horse calendars. You’ll have a chance to become a thoroughbred too, if you can keep your hoof out of your mouth.

Pisces: You reap what you sow, but first you have to learn how to garden. Quit stapling the seeds to the ground and just dig the scene, baby.

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