Aries: Those who say you can’t have too much of a good thing have never experienced your holiday weekend hangover. Next time they mention it, throw up in their wastebasket.
Taurus: All the world’s a stage, and you’re locked in the dressing room again. Grab that paper clip and jimmy the lock before you miss your big break, otherwise people will think you have stage fright.
Gemini: Success is in the cards for you this week. If everything doesn’t come up aces, maybe you just need a bigger deck.
Cancer: Sure, you can promise the moon and the stars as long as you don’t have a spaceship. On Wednesday, someone makes the impossible happen, but you may not have the cajones to back up those big words. Hide under the desk until they go away.
Leo: Life isn’t about who has the most toys, it’s about all the people who come along and break them while you’re still playing. Do what every kid does: hide the good ones until the riffraff clear out.
Virgo: Take a step in the right direction. Heck, take a step in the wrong one. Just move so the pigeons will quit crapping all over you.
Libra: Knowing what you want is good. Knowing how to get it better. Talking someone into bringing it to you while you relax? That’s best of all. Prop your feet up and get the job done.
Scorpio: If you knew what others were thinking, you would be concerned. If they knew what you’re thinking, they’d be finding a deep hole to hide in. Give them a hint with a smile and a fistful of ‘Change of Address’ forms.
Sagittarius: You have the potential to do anything you want to do, but Karma doesn’t always say you’ll be successful at it. Go ahead, make those little Burt Reynolds figurines out of clay and cast-off dog hair. As long as it makes you happy and you take your medication, it’s all good.
Capricorn: A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but a lot of it means you’ll know who will win the election, the Super Bowl and ‘American Idol.’ Sounds like someone has some bets to place.
Aquarius: If you keep spinning your wheels, it’s time to get out and take a look at what’s holding you back. Maybe all you need is to throw a few useless idiots under the bus so you can finally get some traction.
Pisces: Sometimes all you need in life is a well-stocked vending machine and a quiet place to think. The universe is a bit short on vending machines right now, but it can throw a little cash your way so you can stock up on Cheesy Poofs.