You are currently browsing the monthly archive for June 2012.

Aries: If you’re not having a sunny day, it’s because you’re eyeline is stuck where the sun don’t shine again. Give yourself a buttheadectomy and see how bright your life can be. Fresher air, too.

Taurus: Sometimes one small step for man just means he tripped on the carpet. Take a big step forward on Friday and you’ll find your own final frontier to explore. With any luck, there will be space babes.

Gemini: Variety is the spice of life, but mixing ghost peppers, wasabi and cinnamon apple sauce may make your head explode. Dial it down to make your life something you’ll enjoy and not just a ‘Jackass’ stunt.

Cancer: You save the day, win the game and the crowd goes wild! Maybe you should have worn underwear if you planned to do that end zone dance. Ah well, it’s not like everyone has cameras these days, right?

Leo: If the days just fly by, try setting out some seed like Wile E. Coyote. You may not catch a day under a net, but you’ll feel like you’ve participated in the week and Monday may even nibble from your hand.

Virgo: All around you are ever-flowing rivers of love and stupidity. It’s up to you where you dip your bucket, but drinking from the stupid enables you to enjoy television much more.

Libra: Each day is an exercise in humility this week. By the time Saturday rolls around, you’ll have some well-developed humble muscles. We would recommend showing them off in a revealing yet cute outfit, but that would go against the point, wouldn’t it?

Scorpio: You get a chance to undo something you’ve done on Thursday. While you may not think there’s anything in it for you, remember that every day is a job interview for Karma’s inner office, where they have catered lunches, cupcake breaks and Tequila Fridays.

Sagittarius: Just when you think you have something all sewn up, some joker comes along to pop your stitches. Embroider his ass to the wall, and re-do your quilt with a staple gun. No one will unravel that.

Capricorn: Music may soothe the savage breast, but it won’t do anything for that pair of hooters you just passed. Those silicone bad boys were angry and out front. So quit following them already.

Aquarius: They say the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. This is especially true when one of those points is your head, and the other is a club. Stay out of dangerous situations this week before you become an elementary school math problem.

Pisces: Every day can be improved with good wine and a good book. Of course, if the wine is really good, the book becomes optional.

Aries: Silver’s never been good enough for you, because you want a cloud with a platinum lining. You’ll be lucky to score a few handfuls of tinfoil, but at least you can turn them into a hat and deflect a little of that attitude.

Taurus: On Friday, you’ll receive something you’ve always wanted. You’re still into Legos, right? Sorry, the universe is a bit behind on wish fulfillment. By the time you get that sexy blonde, you’ll forget what to do.

Gemini: Good things come in small packages, but better things arrive in big-ass boxes. For once, you’ll actually know when fortune smiles on you, and it won’t be one of those sarcastic, crap-eating smiles, either.

Cancer: You know all the right moves, but the cosmic jukebox is playing the wrong tunes. Go smack it like the Fonz and the soundtrack of your life will snap into step. Also? You’ll look so cool.

Leo: Not every situation requires a mighty roar; sometimes people jump higher over a tiny meow. Do your best Puss-in-Boots impersonation and the hotties will melt over that stray cat strut.

Virgo: Relax. You’re jumpier than a politician nudged next to a lie detector. Luckily you don’t have anything to hide, unless you count that weekend at the goat rodeo with Charlie Sheen.

Libra: You will be surrounded by friends throughout life, because you are the best kind of buddy: a forgetful one. Your memory loss is your comrades’ gain, unless someone whips out a camera phone to record those freaky moments.

Scorpio: Your skill isn’t being the fastest horse in the race, it’s being the first one to pose in front of the TV cameras. Trot out your best smile, and take comfort in the fact that style trumps substance these days.

Sagittarius: In every life a little rain must fall, but no one said anything about a thundering crapstorm. Dodge the hail of turds and hole up somewhere safe until a good rain flushes the bad days away.

Capricorn: You’re smart, witty, sexy, and a little gullible, too. If you’re going to wear your heart on your sleeve, have it Scotchgarded first. It will repel tears, blood and hot fudge sauce.

Aquarius: Always look on the bright side of life, because it’s easier to read books that way. A sunny disposition is the best book light, unless you’re a miner with one of those cool helmets.

Pisces: Despite what you think, every obstacle isn’t the Empire State Building. Occasionally those hurdles are just lively ferrets to be gingerly stepped over, so tiptoe through that furry minefield and you’ll reach your goal. Hopefully one of your obstacles won’t run up your pants leg.

Aries: You have a special gift, and it’s not burping the alphabet in time to “Sexy and I Know It.” Look inside and see what you have to offer the world besides an 8-year-old’s party trick. If you come up empty-handed, at least you can do kids’ parties.

Taurus: You shine brighter than everyone around you, but that could just be the searchlights focused on you. Slip away from the helicopters and start a new life as a dog massage therapist.

Gemini: Dreams do come true. If you’re lucky, it’s the lofty ones you have while you’re awake, not those unsettling ones about Drew Carey and a tub of Baconnaise. Quit surfing the Internet after midnight, get some sleep, and make the good ones come true.

Cancer: Not everyone is born to command, but you’re equally lousy at taking orders, too. Try to find a quiet corner in the universe’s motorpool where you can nap undisturbed.

Leo: Being attached isn’t always a bad thing; it seems to work well for duct tape and SuperGlue. Of course, if you’re the chatty Cathy who’s just been silenced with the silvery stuff, perhaps you should re-think more than your attachments. Like not pissing off your honey during dinner.

Virgo: Laugh and the world laughs with you, unless it’s one of those arch-villain creepy laughs. You’re pretty much on your own for that one. Take a dodgeball to the crotch area, though, and everyone will be laughing again.

Libra: You know what you want, and you’re not afraid to go after it, but maybe you should be. Some questions are not only best left unanswered, someone should take an eraser to the question itself.

Scorpio: Revel in the joy of this day, because yesterday royally sucked. You have some mild suckage riding in on a big sucky front tomorrow, but today is pretty darn spiffy.

Sagittarius: You can never have too many friends or too much cake. Unless, of course, each of your friends want a piece of the cake. Then you might want to pare down that friends list on Facebook.

Capricorn: There are few things more joyous than a kid who just received a free lollipop. Friday will be your sugary, guilt-free treat, so stick that tongue out and enjoy it. Hey, no biting.

Aquarius: The old grey mare ain’t what she used to be. That’s because she got equine cosmetic surgery, went on a healthy diet and is now posing for horse calendars. You’ll have a chance to become a thoroughbred too, if you can keep your hoof out of your mouth.

Pisces: You reap what you sow, but first you have to learn how to garden. Quit stapling the seeds to the ground and just dig the scene, baby.

Jill Fazio! Congratulations, Jill, you’ve won the Zombie Tarot deck! We had so many wonderful entries, plus several very funny ones that made me laugh out loud. Mr. Random of Random.org picked Jill’s number, so Jill, email me at wisecrackzodiac (at) gmail dot com with your post address and I’ll get the deck out to you! Thanks again, everyone! Keep reading, because we’ll have another contest for Halloween with a sweet prize package of goodies. 🙂

Aries: Those who say you can’t have too much of a good thing have never experienced your holiday weekend hangover. Next time they mention it, throw up in their wastebasket.

Taurus: All the world’s a stage, and you’re locked in the dressing room again. Grab that paper clip and jimmy the lock before you miss your big break, otherwise people will think you have stage fright.

Gemini: Success is in the cards for you this week. If everything doesn’t come up aces, maybe you just need a bigger deck.

Cancer: Sure, you can promise the moon and the stars as long as you don’t have a spaceship. On Wednesday, someone makes the impossible happen, but you may not have the cajones to back up those big words. Hide under the desk until they go away.

Leo: Life isn’t about who has the most toys, it’s about all the people who come along and break them while you’re still playing. Do what every kid does: hide the good ones until the riffraff clear out.

Virgo: Take a step in the right direction. Heck, take a step in the wrong one. Just move so the pigeons will quit crapping all over you.

Libra: Knowing what you want is good. Knowing how to get it better. Talking someone into bringing it to you while you relax? That’s best of all. Prop your feet up and get the job done.

Scorpio: If you knew what others were thinking, you would be concerned. If they knew what you’re thinking, they’d be finding a deep hole to hide in. Give them a hint with a smile and a fistful of ‘Change of Address’ forms.

Sagittarius: You have the potential to do anything you want to do, but Karma doesn’t always say you’ll be successful at it. Go ahead, make those little Burt Reynolds figurines out of clay and cast-off dog hair. As long as it makes you happy and you take your medication, it’s all good.

Capricorn: A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but a lot of it means you’ll know who will win the election, the Super Bowl and ‘American Idol.’ Sounds like someone has some bets to place.

Aquarius: If you keep spinning your wheels, it’s time to get out and take a look at what’s holding you back. Maybe all you need is to throw a few useless idiots under the bus so you can finally get some traction.

Pisces: Sometimes all you need in life is a well-stocked vending machine and a quiet place to think. The universe is a bit short on vending machines right now, but it can throw a little cash your way so you can stock up on Cheesy Poofs.

 

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