Aries: If you get your hands dirty but keep your nose clean, you’re either doing something right or you have a tiny bottle of hand sanitizer in your back pocket. Stock up, because there’s a lot of hard work ahead.

Taurus: Go through life thinking you know all the answers, and the universe will just bump you up to a harder level in the game. Quit looking for cheat codes and enjoy the mystery for a while.

Gemini: You’ve been screwed around more than a zombie caught in a light socket. Get out of a bad commitment before someone throws the switch.

Cancer: Sometimes there’s a kernel of good luck in the middle of that crapola cupcake, but that doesn’t mean you have to eat it to find your fortune. Get a stick or bribe a kid to reach in there.

Leo: Some days you get a headlock, other days you get a golf clap. While you may not always get the feedback you wanted, at least someone’s listening. A few pins in their chair will give you the standing ovation you crave.

Virgo: You may have a chain on your wallet, but your heart is just perching there on your sleeve. Get some Velcro, glue stick or a staple gun; otherwise, you’ll be putting up “Lost” posters all over town.

Libra: Not everyone can run with the best and the brightest. Someone has to be friends with a crayon-eater and the guy who lights his farts on YouTube. Keep your friends around, because they’re not smart enough to run when you ask them to help you move.

Scorpio: Find the beauty in ever y day, like your nasty co-worker spilling coffee on her blouse, or they guy who stole your parking space getting a flat tire. Not that you have anything to do with these random moments. Nope, not at all.

Sagittarius: The devil is in the details, and right now he’s hiding in that Terms of Use Agreement you just clicked on to get free porn. Hope you enjoy being the booty call for some hopped-up orangutans, because those Internet contracts are solid.

Capricorn: Laugh and the world laughs with you; scream in the middle of Walmart and you get a free mental exam and a night’s stay in the looney bin.  At least the straitjackets go with the pajamas you wore into the store.

Aquarius: Following your heart this week is like giving yourself a bikini wax with paper mache: it’s messy and will be hard in all the wrong places. Do a little research before you turn your junk into a birthday piñata.

Pisces: The journey of a lifetime may begin with a single step, but there’s nothing in the rulebooks about hitching a ride with some sweetie in a convertible. You’ve pounded the pavement long enough. It’s time to ride in style.

 

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