Aries: You think you have a rocket in your pocket, but your sweetie knows it’s a dud. Do something special tonight, like taping a sparkler between your butt cheeks. That will liven up the dinner conversation.

Taurus: When life gives you lemons, it usually also gives you a knife as well, so you can slice those suckers up for glasses of iced tea. Sometimes in the universe you’re the waiter, sometimes the waitee; just be glad you’re not in the karmic unemployment line.

Gemini: Your time has come to shine like the star you are! Be glamorous, be witty, but don’t leak any sex tapes just yet. Provide your own mystery, don’t rely on black bars across your televised bits to do the job.

Cancer: A good bout of soul-searching should be about exploring your inner depth, not whistling to find it like a lost poodle. Next time, keep a leash on that thing, plus a pooper-scooper for when you next step in it.

Leo: Relaxation takes time. Stop and smell the roses, don’t shove them up your nose and snort like an allergic horse. If you really want to slow down time, watch some golf on TV.

Virgo: You’ll encounter a sticky situation at work on Thursday. Maybe if you were nicer to the interns, they wouldn’t use so much Super Glue on the toilet seat. Buy them coffee and bran muffins; that will give them a reason to pry you off.

Libra: Someone wants to keep your wild Wednesday nights on the down low. You can tell them you don’t kiss and tell, but you made no promises about tweeting, texting or updating your Facebook status, so fly your freak flag all over the Internet until you see some diamonds.

Scorpio: You’ve been feeling like the parrot on a pirate ship, and the cook’s giving you the eye. Do some fast squawking to save your tail feathers or you could end up sizzled on the plank with onions and potatoes.

Sagittarius: The best things in life are free, but the stuff you really want takes lots of cash. You can pin your hopes on that lottery ticket, or practice saying “Would you like fries with that?” Either way, you’ll have to smile like you mean it.

Capricorn: You’re like Iron Man at a fembot convention: this week, it’s going to be hard to keep you down. Stay lubricated and pace yourself so those batteries don’t putter out.

Aquarius: It’s fine to reach for the stars, but you’ll get a lot farther if you build a spaceship. Even with dreams, it’s all about location, location, location. And aliens in gold metal bikinis.

Pisces: Your classic approach to failure just got a trendy reboot, so expect some surprises and maybe even a success or two. Got to keep the audience in suspense so they’ll keep watching you.