Aries: You usually start out on the road to success, but you end up taking a left at Albuquerque and having adventures with a wacky rabbit. This time, stay on the right path and avoid Tasmanian Devils.

Taurus: You’ve been mugged by love so often, whenever you hear the theme from ‘Dirty Dancing’ you automatically hand over your wallet. Your heart is ready to give it another go, so rent a safety deposit box before you fall head over heels.

Gemini: Personal injustices are piling up at your doorstep like bad guys in an action movie. You’ve tried to be reasonable, so go ahead and summon your inner Chuck Norris to whip those unfair bits of life into quivering blobs of surrendering goo.

Cancer: You knew life wasn’t going to be a rose garden, but you didn’t expect it to be full of medical waste and decomposing dirty diapers, either. Clean up your act; sowing those wild oats rarely lead to wildflowers.

Leo: All work and no play makes Jack ready to climb a clock tower with a high-powered weapon. If you refuse to take a day off, at least make your boomstick of choice a Nerf gun.

Virgo: No one likes a good joke more than you, and that’s why you should be open to new friendships this week. The people you meet will be dim but hilarious. Write down everything they do and you’ll have a bestseller in a few months.

Libra: Some days you’re the fly-swatter, some days you’re the fly, and a few days you’re all made obsolete by a giant truck of Raid. Don’t worry, there’s enough bullcrap in your life to attract some buzzing attention and balance things out again.

Scorpio: Avoid men with limps on Thursday. They could be eccentric doctors with drug problems or just don’t know when to walk around open manholes.

Sagittarius: You have the opportunity to make some real money on Tuesday, which is good, because the gas station won’t take that Monopoly cash any more. It’s rather surprising you were able to buy Slim Jims and Red Bull with it for so long.

Capricorn: Not every problem in your life should be manhandled like George Takei at a party. Sometimes a solution needs to be wooed and courted, maybe bought some dinner. Just keep your tongue in your own mouth and everything will work out fine.

Aquarius: The Rolling Stones are right, you can’t always get what you want. Of course, since they’re multi-millionaires, they don’t have a lot of experience with that. Keep fighting to get what you need and you’ll be blessed with everything you don’t want or need.

Pisces: You’ve kept peddling through life for so long, you could beat Lance Armstrong with one ball tied behind your back. Pull those huevos up, because you’ll need them to make some progress this week.

 

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