Aries: What you’ve been doing with the Velcro, an emu and your hand mirror isn’t a hobby, it’s a cry for help. Have your meds adjusted before that big bird shows you who’s boss.

Taurus: On Tuesday, the universe is your frenemy. Smile while it compliments your outfit, just watch out for any snarky comments about your rear end while your back is turned. Of course, with that butt, how would you know?

Gemini: Stomp all you want, but you won’t get your way. Once karma sees your temper tantrum, you’ll be in a cosmic time out while everyone else enjoys free ice cream and unicorn rides.

Cancer: Just because someone believes the sun shines out your butt doesn’t mean you should show them a full moon. Keep that eclipse going in your pants and stay mysterious.

Leo: Get that giant cup ready, because you’ve been slamming quarters into that slot machine for days and you’re just one cherry away from immense satisfaction. Once you feel the payoff, put it back in and let it ride.Cha-ching, baby.

Virgo: No one will ever see your moments of quiet desperation, because your complaints are louder than a screech owl singing Lady Gaga. If you’re not in pain when making those sounds, you soon will be when your co-workers catch up to you.

Libra: So your idea for the Ham-n-Cheese Snuggie didn’t work. Don’t give up! The world may beat down your door for your next big project, the Pizza Roll Pillow. Never underestimate the laziness of a culture too winded to make it to the fridge.

Scorpio: If someone tells you to get back on the horse, quit taking their dating advice immediately. Mr. Ed may be lovely company, but neigh means neigh.

Sagittarius: Some unexpected cash will flow into your day tomorrow; catch it before it circles the drain and leaves you not so high and way too dry.

Capricorn: What we used to call “life’s failures” are now known as “teaching moments.” Wear your best school clothes on Wednesday, because you’re going to be the new textbook in class. If you’re lucky, no one will draw obscene pictures on you until lunch.

Aquarius: There’s a difference between looking on the bright side and realizing it’s actually just the dark side on fire. If you learn how to tell them apart, your hair won’t smell like smoke on Friday. Hopefully you’ll still have eyebrows.

Pisces: You think you’re a DaVinci Code Sudoku: deep, complex and meaningful. Get over yourself.  You’re more like the puzzles on a fast food restaurant place mat. All you’re missing are the crayons.