Aries:  Your best days aren’t behind you, they’re just keeping their distance because you’ve been a butthead lately. Coax them over with some cupcakes and sweet words.

Taurus: That butt must be stuck in a jam, because jelly don’t shake like that. Extract yourself from this sticky situation as soon as you have the bread to do it.

Gemini: When Opportunity doesn’t knock, sometimes you have to go over to its house and stand outside while holding a boom box over your head. If Opportunity refuses to come out, maybe you’ll get its freewheeling sister, Sure Thing.

Cancer: Not everything is about you; occasionally the universe has to take a break from your particular reality show for station identification. Remember that on Thursday, and don’t pout if you can’t hear the canned applause on cue.

Leo: You’re smarter than the average bear, so why not come out of that cave already? A fully-stocked, wi-fi-enabled hole in the ground can’t compete with chasing a few scared locals around the forest. That’s entertainment.

Virgo: You’re clutching that baggage so tightly, your knuckles are turning purple. Let it go. Life is a meandering path, you’re sure to pick up more crap along the way.

Libra: Someone’s shaking your tree for answers, but if they’re not careful, they’ll just get a couple of nuts to the face. Let’s hope they’re not careful, because you need the laugh.

Scorpio: Yes, you have a lot on your plate. Don’t eat faster, just grab one of those big cafeteria trays and stack on more dishes. This is a time to enjoy the buffet, not whine about your diet.

Sagittarius: When they say the best things in life are free, they don’t mean fancy cars and expensive watches. They’re talking about the simple pleasures of seeing someone be a total douchbag, then tripping their ass as they walk by. Remember that on Friday.

Capricorn: You won’t believe your luck on Tuesday. Pinch yourself if you have to, but don’t pass up the chance for a stellar reward when Karma drops its wallet on the sidewalk.

Aquarius: Yes, you are a special snowflake, but if you land on the right tongue on Sunday, you won’t mind melting into a satisfied puddle. Be sure of your aim, though; you don’t want to go up someone’s nose.

Pisces: Steel-toed boots and a good beyotch-slap will be your weapons for a better day on Saturday. Use both freely on those people who believe you’re a pushover. Just think of it as a way to show your truth, love and light on their crazy asses.