Aries: If the proof is in the pudding, you should really be more careful developing your naughty photos in the kitchen. Some of those dishes are too hot even for the Internet.
Taurus: You need some practical advice, so think of the wisest person you know and discuss things with them. If you end up pouring your heart out to a Yoda doll in the Walmart toy aisle, you need to hang out with a better class of people.
Gemini: Every rose has its thorn and every office has its prick. Your week is about to get really good, but watch out when you stop and smell the printer toner.
Cancer: There’s a beauty in what you say, but it’s more a word splatter by Jackson Pollack than a masterpiece by DaVinci. Quit blabbing just to hear yourself talk and work on your technique before the art critics shut you up with just a glare.
Leo: Life is all about the journey, but sometimes you just need to stop, take off your shoes and count your blessings. Heck, go all out and soak your blessings in a warm Epsom Salt bath while you’re at it.
Virgo: Forget about what’s good for the goose, get your feathered butt out of this situation before someone decides to have roast gander for Sunday dinner. Sweet and sour duck sauce may match your personality, but you really don’t want to wear it as aftershave.
Libra: Here you are, ready to kick butt and take names, and you forgot your pen. Just boot that booty, because this time the universe will give you a pass on the paperwork.
Scorpio: This problem calls for a light touch, not the Swedish massage you’re planning. While it’s more satisfying to pummel the answers out, you’ll learn more if you tickle them free. Just hope no one pees on you.
Sagittarius: If you’re always the bridesmaid, never the bride, at least you can enjoy yourself at the reception. Eat all the puff pastry you want, then head to the coat closet with two ushers and a trained cockatoo running the camcorder. You’ll be out of reach from the Bridezilla meltdown.
Capricorn: On Wednesday you’re like a politician with a webcam and a Twitter account; something bad is about to go public. Try to keep your pants on. If you won’t do that, at least wear clean underwear.
Aquarius: Sure, you have friends, but when the zombie apocalypse comes, you’ll be the first one tripped. Gain some goodwill with a few rounds of free drinks and take up marathon running.
Pisces: Life not turning out the way you want? Join the club, sunshine. Sometimes crappy things happen, but at least you can laugh at those dorks over there. Yeah, the ones by the window. Wait a minute, who are they laughing at?