Aries: A fool and his money are soon parted, but you don’t even get custody of the dimes on weekends. Work on a good relationship with your cash, and quit trading it for the next shiny trinket.

Taurus: Your lucky day is waiting for you, but you still have your head buried under the covers. Get out of there before it finds a darker place to burrow, like up your own butt. Tuesday is tapping its foot but it won’t wait much longer.

Gemini: You’re like a traveling magician with a 20-minute show: you’re just hoping no one notices you’re out of tricks. Step back and give the universe some space, because the big illusion is about to happen and you’ll get the credit.

Cancer: It’s one thing to find your true path, but it’s another thing to stray from it whenever you see a squirrel scamper in the woods. Stay focused, or you’ll be following a pack of overcaffeinated chipmunks.

Leo: Sure, the spotlight stays on you while you’re dancing, but how long can you keep up that jig? Step away from the stage for a little while and rest your legs. You’re getting a really weird tan from those giant bulbs.

Virgo: Of course you’re beautiful inside, but flashing those X-rays to co-workers won’t get the message across. Do something nice occasionally for them; after they regain consciousness, they’ll see you in a new light.

Libra: Wednesday brings some exciting news, but do you have your shots, a passport and a true interest in chicken ballroom dancing? If so, prepare for a whirlwind ride.

Scorpio: You may seem as calm and collected as James Dean, but inside you’re about as quiet as Paula Deen touring a butter museum. Keep your cool; no one needs to know how much doughnuts really excite you.

Sagittarius: Thursday is a bit of a sticky wicket, so bring some Wet Wipes and your own butterscotch candy. Believe us, you don’t want to know where that wicket has been.

Capricorn: Laughter may be the best medicine, but it sucks as first aid treatment for a broken heart. Grab a chick flick and wine, and apply liberally until the pain subsides. After that, you can laugh when tossing your ex’s belongings out the window.

Aquarius: When most people have a mid-life crisis, they buy a car or get plastic surgery. You may be the first to start a garage band called Gimme That Bran Muffin. Hey, as long as the gigs keep you regular, rock on.

Pisces: When one door closes for most people, a window opens. Not for you. Looks like you’ll be shimmying up the drainpipe again. At least it keeps your thighs strong.

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