You are currently browsing the monthly archive for April 2012.

Aries: You usually start out on the road to success, but you end up taking a left at Albuquerque and having adventures with a wacky rabbit. This time, stay on the right path and avoid Tasmanian Devils.

Taurus: You’ve been mugged by love so often, whenever you hear the theme from ‘Dirty Dancing’ you automatically hand over your wallet. Your heart is ready to give it another go, so rent a safety deposit box before you fall head over heels.

Gemini: Personal injustices are piling up at your doorstep like bad guys in an action movie. You’ve tried to be reasonable, so go ahead and summon your inner Chuck Norris to whip those unfair bits of life into quivering blobs of surrendering goo.

Cancer: You knew life wasn’t going to be a rose garden, but you didn’t expect it to be full of medical waste and decomposing dirty diapers, either. Clean up your act; sowing those wild oats rarely lead to wildflowers.

Leo: All work and no play makes Jack ready to climb a clock tower with a high-powered weapon. If you refuse to take a day off, at least make your boomstick of choice a Nerf gun.

Virgo: No one likes a good joke more than you, and that’s why you should be open to new friendships this week. The people you meet will be dim but hilarious. Write down everything they do and you’ll have a bestseller in a few months.

Libra: Some days you’re the fly-swatter, some days you’re the fly, and a few days you’re all made obsolete by a giant truck of Raid. Don’t worry, there’s enough bullcrap in your life to attract some buzzing attention and balance things out again.

Scorpio: Avoid men with limps on Thursday. They could be eccentric doctors with drug problems or just don’t know when to walk around open manholes.

Sagittarius: You have the opportunity to make some real money on Tuesday, which is good, because the gas station won’t take that Monopoly cash any more. It’s rather surprising you were able to buy Slim Jims and Red Bull with it for so long.

Capricorn: Not every problem in your life should be manhandled like George Takei at a party. Sometimes a solution needs to be wooed and courted, maybe bought some dinner. Just keep your tongue in your own mouth and everything will work out fine.

Aquarius: The Rolling Stones are right, you can’t always get what you want. Of course, since they’re multi-millionaires, they don’t have a lot of experience with that. Keep fighting to get what you need and you’ll be blessed with everything you don’t want or need.

Pisces: You’ve kept peddling through life for so long, you could beat Lance Armstrong with one ball tied behind your back. Pull those huevos up, because you’ll need them to make some progress this week.

 

Aries: What you’ve been doing with the Velcro, an emu and your hand mirror isn’t a hobby, it’s a cry for help. Have your meds adjusted before that big bird shows you who’s boss.

Taurus: On Tuesday, the universe is your frenemy. Smile while it compliments your outfit, just watch out for any snarky comments about your rear end while your back is turned. Of course, with that butt, how would you know?

Gemini: Stomp all you want, but you won’t get your way. Once karma sees your temper tantrum, you’ll be in a cosmic time out while everyone else enjoys free ice cream and unicorn rides.

Cancer: Just because someone believes the sun shines out your butt doesn’t mean you should show them a full moon. Keep that eclipse going in your pants and stay mysterious.

Leo: Get that giant cup ready, because you’ve been slamming quarters into that slot machine for days and you’re just one cherry away from immense satisfaction. Once you feel the payoff, put it back in and let it ride.Cha-ching, baby.

Virgo: No one will ever see your moments of quiet desperation, because your complaints are louder than a screech owl singing Lady Gaga. If you’re not in pain when making those sounds, you soon will be when your co-workers catch up to you.

Libra: So your idea for the Ham-n-Cheese Snuggie didn’t work. Don’t give up! The world may beat down your door for your next big project, the Pizza Roll Pillow. Never underestimate the laziness of a culture too winded to make it to the fridge.

Scorpio: If someone tells you to get back on the horse, quit taking their dating advice immediately. Mr. Ed may be lovely company, but neigh means neigh.

Sagittarius: Some unexpected cash will flow into your day tomorrow; catch it before it circles the drain and leaves you not so high and way too dry.

Capricorn: What we used to call “life’s failures” are now known as “teaching moments.” Wear your best school clothes on Wednesday, because you’re going to be the new textbook in class. If you’re lucky, no one will draw obscene pictures on you until lunch.

Aquarius: There’s a difference between looking on the bright side and realizing it’s actually just the dark side on fire. If you learn how to tell them apart, your hair won’t smell like smoke on Friday. Hopefully you’ll still have eyebrows.

Pisces: You think you’re a DaVinci Code Sudoku: deep, complex and meaningful. Get over yourself.  You’re more like the puzzles on a fast food restaurant place mat. All you’re missing are the crayons.

Aries:  Your best days aren’t behind you, they’re just keeping their distance because you’ve been a butthead lately. Coax them over with some cupcakes and sweet words.

Taurus: That butt must be stuck in a jam, because jelly don’t shake like that. Extract yourself from this sticky situation as soon as you have the bread to do it.

Gemini: When Opportunity doesn’t knock, sometimes you have to go over to its house and stand outside while holding a boom box over your head. If Opportunity refuses to come out, maybe you’ll get its freewheeling sister, Sure Thing.

Cancer: Not everything is about you; occasionally the universe has to take a break from your particular reality show for station identification. Remember that on Thursday, and don’t pout if you can’t hear the canned applause on cue.

Leo: You’re smarter than the average bear, so why not come out of that cave already? A fully-stocked, wi-fi-enabled hole in the ground can’t compete with chasing a few scared locals around the forest. That’s entertainment.

Virgo: You’re clutching that baggage so tightly, your knuckles are turning purple. Let it go. Life is a meandering path, you’re sure to pick up more crap along the way.

Libra: Someone’s shaking your tree for answers, but if they’re not careful, they’ll just get a couple of nuts to the face. Let’s hope they’re not careful, because you need the laugh.

Scorpio: Yes, you have a lot on your plate. Don’t eat faster, just grab one of those big cafeteria trays and stack on more dishes. This is a time to enjoy the buffet, not whine about your diet.

Sagittarius: When they say the best things in life are free, they don’t mean fancy cars and expensive watches. They’re talking about the simple pleasures of seeing someone be a total douchbag, then tripping their ass as they walk by. Remember that on Friday.

Capricorn: You won’t believe your luck on Tuesday. Pinch yourself if you have to, but don’t pass up the chance for a stellar reward when Karma drops its wallet on the sidewalk.

Aquarius: Yes, you are a special snowflake, but if you land on the right tongue on Sunday, you won’t mind melting into a satisfied puddle. Be sure of your aim, though; you don’t want to go up someone’s nose.

Pisces: Steel-toed boots and a good beyotch-slap will be your weapons for a better day on Saturday. Use both freely on those people who believe you’re a pushover. Just think of it as a way to show your truth, love and light on their crazy asses.

Aries: If the proof is in the pudding, you should really be more careful developing your naughty photos in the kitchen. Some of those dishes are too hot even for the Internet.

Taurus: You need some practical advice, so think of the wisest person you know and discuss things with them. If you end up pouring your heart out to a Yoda doll in the Walmart toy aisle, you need to hang out with a better class of people.

Gemini: Every rose has its thorn and every office has its prick. Your week is about to get really good, but watch out when you stop and smell the printer toner.

Cancer: There’s a beauty in what you say, but it’s more a word splatter by Jackson Pollack than a masterpiece by DaVinci. Quit blabbing just to hear yourself talk and work on your technique before the art critics shut you up with just a glare.

Leo: Life is all about the journey, but sometimes you just need to stop, take off your shoes and count your blessings. Heck, go all out and soak your blessings in a warm Epsom Salt bath while you’re at it.

Virgo: Forget about what’s good for the goose, get your feathered butt out of this situation before someone decides to have roast gander for Sunday dinner. Sweet and sour duck sauce may match your personality, but you really don’t want to wear it as aftershave.

Libra: Here you are, ready to kick butt and take names, and you forgot your pen. Just boot that booty, because this time the universe will give you a pass on the paperwork.

Scorpio: This problem calls for a light touch, not the Swedish massage you’re planning. While it’s more satisfying to pummel the answers out, you’ll learn more if you tickle them free. Just hope no one pees on you.

Sagittarius: If you’re always the bridesmaid, never the bride, at least you can enjoy yourself at the reception. Eat all the puff pastry you want, then head to the coat closet with two ushers and a trained cockatoo running the camcorder. You’ll be out of reach from the Bridezilla meltdown.

Capricorn: On Wednesday you’re like a politician with a webcam and a Twitter account; something bad is about to go public. Try to keep your pants on. If you won’t do that, at least wear clean underwear.

Aquarius: Sure, you have friends, but when the zombie apocalypse comes, you’ll be the first one tripped. Gain some goodwill with a few rounds of free drinks and take up marathon running.

Pisces: Life not turning out the way you want? Join the club, sunshine. Sometimes crappy things happen, but at least you can laugh at those dorks over there. Yeah, the ones by the window. Wait a minute, who are they laughing at?

Aries: A fool and his money are soon parted, but you don’t even get custody of the dimes on weekends. Work on a good relationship with your cash, and quit trading it for the next shiny trinket.

Taurus: Your lucky day is waiting for you, but you still have your head buried under the covers. Get out of there before it finds a darker place to burrow, like up your own butt. Tuesday is tapping its foot but it won’t wait much longer.

Gemini: You’re like a traveling magician with a 20-minute show: you’re just hoping no one notices you’re out of tricks. Step back and give the universe some space, because the big illusion is about to happen and you’ll get the credit.

Cancer: It’s one thing to find your true path, but it’s another thing to stray from it whenever you see a squirrel scamper in the woods. Stay focused, or you’ll be following a pack of overcaffeinated chipmunks.

Leo: Sure, the spotlight stays on you while you’re dancing, but how long can you keep up that jig? Step away from the stage for a little while and rest your legs. You’re getting a really weird tan from those giant bulbs.

Virgo: Of course you’re beautiful inside, but flashing those X-rays to co-workers won’t get the message across. Do something nice occasionally for them; after they regain consciousness, they’ll see you in a new light.

Libra: Wednesday brings some exciting news, but do you have your shots, a passport and a true interest in chicken ballroom dancing? If so, prepare for a whirlwind ride.

Scorpio: You may seem as calm and collected as James Dean, but inside you’re about as quiet as Paula Deen touring a butter museum. Keep your cool; no one needs to know how much doughnuts really excite you.

Sagittarius: Thursday is a bit of a sticky wicket, so bring some Wet Wipes and your own butterscotch candy. Believe us, you don’t want to know where that wicket has been.

Capricorn: Laughter may be the best medicine, but it sucks as first aid treatment for a broken heart. Grab a chick flick and wine, and apply liberally until the pain subsides. After that, you can laugh when tossing your ex’s belongings out the window.

Aquarius: When most people have a mid-life crisis, they buy a car or get plastic surgery. You may be the first to start a garage band called Gimme That Bran Muffin. Hey, as long as the gigs keep you regular, rock on.

Pisces: When one door closes for most people, a window opens. Not for you. Looks like you’ll be shimmying up the drainpipe again. At least it keeps your thighs strong.

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