Aries: You have a spot of good luck on Friday. It’s over there, in the corner, so don’t rearrange the furniture or it will be lost underneath that ratty recliner.

Taurus: What’s best for you isn’t always what’s convenient; that’s why they sell vodka, cigarettes and cheeseburgers in drive-thrus. Muster up the stamina to step outside your drunken, smoky comfort zone for a few days. You might even see your toes again.

Gemini: While some people practice fire drills, you’ve been running through bullcrap drills. That preparedness will pay this week when your horseplop detector goes off like a goosed opera singer.

Cancer: You’re not destined for greatness, but you could receive 3.5 minutes of national TV time for that thing hidden in your closet. Fame is fleeting, but nicknames like “weird, creepy guy” last forever.

Leo: After a month of fertilizer, everything’s coming up roses this week. Wear some gloves so the thorns don’t get you, and your days will be fragrant in a better, non-crappy kind of way.

Virgo: You’ve been letting it all hang out lately, but everyone around you wishes you would just tuck it back in. Meet them halfway and do up a few buttons; they’ve been scarred enough.

Libra: You have a shot at a big promotion, so now’s the time to stop dipping your junk in your boss’ coffee before you take it to him. It will be good for you, too, because those scald marks will finally heal.

Scorpio: The universe knows you’ve been through a lot, it’s just tired of hearing you whine about it. Buck up and move on, later on, you might see some reward.

Sagittarius: You know your limitations so well, you buy Girl Scout cookies from their kids. It’s time to leave them behind and discover a new neighborhood of possibilities. Yeah, it’s scary, so carry pepper spray if you jog at night.

Capricorn: If your sweetie meets you at the door in nothing but a big red bow, don’t ask if there’s a gift receipt for returns. Your picture could be on that milk carton for years.

Aquarius: Be giving to those who need it and be kind to those who don’t. But if they try to take your parking space, all bets are off. Good thing there’s a taser and a 10 lb. bag of rubber bands in the trunk.

Pisces: You’ve reached for your dreams for so long, you’re getting arm cramps. Take a week off from the great struggle and invest in Captain America Underoos and some fuzzy bunny slippers. You want to make an impact when opportunity knocks on your door.

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