Aries:  The miracle finally happened; you haven’t pissed off anyone in a week. Now ask a friend to take the duct tape off so you can get down from the living room wall and enjoy a few blissful days free from shouting or nasty emails.

Taurus: You know what the problem is, and you know the solution; you’re just worried about combining the two. If you can’t find some goggles and a mountain to hide behind, wait a few days to see if things work themselves out.

Gemini: You can never have too much love or too much wine, although both will make you walk funny. If you continue to carry on, at least buy a Rascal scooter. Your chapped thighs will thank you.

Cancer: It takes a big man to say he’s sorry, but it requires a small, fast one to say it and escape before you break his knuckles. Next time, use a box with a stick propping it up to catch him.

Leo: If you walk on sunshine, don’t be surprised if you trip on a few rainbows. Those things are hazardous, especially when leprechauns keep stapling them to fake pots of gold.

Virgo: Be happy with the imperfect, slightly wombat-obsessed person you are. If the grass is always greener on the other side, it’s just because someone dumped out the slime in their aquarium.

Libra: You have a lot of love to give, but the government frowns on handing out receipts for it. If you’re going to make a living on your back, learn how to paint ceilings.

Scorpio: There’s a fire in your belly, but you should reach for the attitude instead of the antacids. You’re aflame with cosmic heartburn, and the only cure is to get motivated and follow that dream. And stop eating pizza after 10 p.m.

Sagittarius: A penny saved is a penny earned…but who can live on that? Keep working on your hoverbot butler idea and those pennies will roll in.

Capricorn: You have a need to accomplish something mighty on Wednesday. If you can’t climb the mountain, at least you can pee on the tree beside the trail. One way or another, you’ll leave your mark.

Aquarius: There’s more power in words unsaid than words unkind.  Bite that tongue, because you’re going to be very powerful on Monday. Hold it in until you’re alone in the bathroom; that way you can get rid of all your crap at once.

Pisces: Don’t look so down; who told you that you would have a bad day? Was it that mouthy fortune cookie? The universe will go stomp her crumbly butt. Don’t worry, everything will be fine.

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