You are currently browsing the monthly archive for March 2012.

Aries: They all laughed at your house of cards, but no one realizes you’ve built it with Gorilla Glue and a few dozen of those plastic-covered decks. Ignore what everyone says; go ahead and move in that hot tub and giant-screen TV. Even the wolf and the three little pigs will want to spend Sunday afternoons at your place.

Taurus: You have style, you have charm, but do you have insurance for all those hearts you’re breaking? Enjoy the attention, but watch out for jilted lovers and less-than-vigilant laws on taser-equipped crossbows.

Gemini: An idea is waiting for you like a prize Easter egg out in the open; scoop that bad boy up before anyone else notices it’s filled with chocolate, money and porn. Forget the goose who laid it, hook up with one big bunny to keep those treasures coming.

Cancer: Some are born to lead, others are meant to follow. You were put on this planet to wander aimlessly through hallways and jiggle doorknobs.

Leo: The fiery heart of the lion roars within you on Thursday, probably because someone shortchanged you at the gas station or spilled coffee on your crotch. Set them straight, and save up your righteous anger for people who cut you off in traffic.

Virgo: You know what the score is, you just have no interest in the game. Grab some popcorn and watch everyone duke it out in the stands. You’ll make a tidy sum picking up the loose change afterward.

Libra: If you have a passion in your pants and you’re not afraid to show it, check with your doctor because your meds need adjusting again. Hurry up, because no one wants to see that right before lunch.

Scorpio: Laughter is good for the soul, but when it involves your in-laws, nudity and a police cruiser, those guffaws can heal anything.

Sagittarius: On Friday, you have the chance to make an impression at work. Stay away from wet cement and large bins of Silly Putty.

Capricorn: You may think you have a great notion, but you don’t. Step away from the Hammer pants and the giant bowl of Waldorf salad. YouTube doesn’t deserve such mental cruelty.

Aquarius: Occasionally people get second chances, but you’ve lucked into a third chance with the option of a fourth. Don’t blow it this time by re-enacting your favorite ‘Walking Dead’ scene while wearing glitter body paint and that ‘Ron Paul for Head Wizard’ ballcap.

Pisces: All those rain checks from the universe are ready to be cashed in, and the line at Karmic customer service is short. Brace yourself for imminent good fortune; it can be a shock when you’re not used to it.




Aries: Know what Bigfoot, a leprechaun and your good day have in common? They’re all really hard to find. Keep hunting, though, you might find some tracks Saturday.

Taurus: If you have an inner dancer, it’s because you fell and now she’s stuck between your butt cheeks. If someone asks you to cut a rug, tell them you like the carpet just the way it is: fully intact and matching the drapes.

Gemini: Was this what you had in mind when you wished for luck? Probably not, but while you have oodles of it to spare, go ahead and get that lottery ticket. You can’t have the pony, though. It’s not litterbox-trained.

Cancer: Finders keepers, losers weepers, but no one said anything about just borrowing it for a little while. Go ahead, take a joyride on that abandoned Big Wheel in front of your house. It will be the best ride you have all week.

Leo: You know what makes your sweetie tick. Just make sure it’s the Swiss watch of delight and not the time bomb of discontent. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference, and you’re definitely in the blast zone.

Virgo: All problems aren’t Rubik’s Cubes wrapped in Sudoku. Sometimes you just need to follow the dots. This week it will be easy, since there are only two: a dot where you are now, and a dot where you need to go.

Libra: When presented with the road less traveled, you’ll be the one in the corner inventing the transporter. This week, the universe likes your style, so expect some help with your weird but interesting plans.

Scorpio: You love to party, but on Friday, you’re the one stuck with the reality check. It will take more than you have in the karma bank, so expect some dish-washing in your future.

Sagittarius: Realize there’s more to life than work, chores and doing what you’re supposed to do. Know why angels dance on the head of a pin? It’s a tiny disco ball. Find some fun this weekend and bring the angels along for the ride.

Capricorn: A situation at work has you flummoxed. Just remember, it’s easier to sneak the goat into the boss’ office than it is to sneak it out. Try dressing the goat in drag; it works in the movies.

Aquarius: Good luck gently settles on you like a spring butterfly, but bad luck hurls itself at you like a frozen snowball. Hope for the butterfly on Wednesday, but be prepared for the hailstorm.

Pisces: No one likes a smarty pants, but the rules are vague on wise tank tops. Go for something a little brainier with sleeves, though, until you hit the gym.

Aries: You have a spot of good luck on Friday. It’s over there, in the corner, so don’t rearrange the furniture or it will be lost underneath that ratty recliner.

Taurus: What’s best for you isn’t always what’s convenient; that’s why they sell vodka, cigarettes and cheeseburgers in drive-thrus. Muster up the stamina to step outside your drunken, smoky comfort zone for a few days. You might even see your toes again.

Gemini: While some people practice fire drills, you’ve been running through bullcrap drills. That preparedness will pay this week when your horseplop detector goes off like a goosed opera singer.

Cancer: You’re not destined for greatness, but you could receive 3.5 minutes of national TV time for that thing hidden in your closet. Fame is fleeting, but nicknames like “weird, creepy guy” last forever.

Leo: After a month of fertilizer, everything’s coming up roses this week. Wear some gloves so the thorns don’t get you, and your days will be fragrant in a better, non-crappy kind of way.

Virgo: You’ve been letting it all hang out lately, but everyone around you wishes you would just tuck it back in. Meet them halfway and do up a few buttons; they’ve been scarred enough.

Libra: You have a shot at a big promotion, so now’s the time to stop dipping your junk in your boss’ coffee before you take it to him. It will be good for you, too, because those scald marks will finally heal.

Scorpio: The universe knows you’ve been through a lot, it’s just tired of hearing you whine about it. Buck up and move on, later on, you might see some reward.

Sagittarius: You know your limitations so well, you buy Girl Scout cookies from their kids. It’s time to leave them behind and discover a new neighborhood of possibilities. Yeah, it’s scary, so carry pepper spray if you jog at night.

Capricorn: If your sweetie meets you at the door in nothing but a big red bow, don’t ask if there’s a gift receipt for returns. Your picture could be on that milk carton for years.

Aquarius: Be giving to those who need it and be kind to those who don’t. But if they try to take your parking space, all bets are off. Good thing there’s a taser and a 10 lb. bag of rubber bands in the trunk.

Pisces: You’ve reached for your dreams for so long, you’re getting arm cramps. Take a week off from the great struggle and invest in Captain America Underoos and some fuzzy bunny slippers. You want to make an impact when opportunity knocks on your door.

Aries:  The miracle finally happened; you haven’t pissed off anyone in a week. Now ask a friend to take the duct tape off so you can get down from the living room wall and enjoy a few blissful days free from shouting or nasty emails.

Taurus: You know what the problem is, and you know the solution; you’re just worried about combining the two. If you can’t find some goggles and a mountain to hide behind, wait a few days to see if things work themselves out.

Gemini: You can never have too much love or too much wine, although both will make you walk funny. If you continue to carry on, at least buy a Rascal scooter. Your chapped thighs will thank you.

Cancer: It takes a big man to say he’s sorry, but it requires a small, fast one to say it and escape before you break his knuckles. Next time, use a box with a stick propping it up to catch him.

Leo: If you walk on sunshine, don’t be surprised if you trip on a few rainbows. Those things are hazardous, especially when leprechauns keep stapling them to fake pots of gold.

Virgo: Be happy with the imperfect, slightly wombat-obsessed person you are. If the grass is always greener on the other side, it’s just because someone dumped out the slime in their aquarium.

Libra: You have a lot of love to give, but the government frowns on handing out receipts for it. If you’re going to make a living on your back, learn how to paint ceilings.

Scorpio: There’s a fire in your belly, but you should reach for the attitude instead of the antacids. You’re aflame with cosmic heartburn, and the only cure is to get motivated and follow that dream. And stop eating pizza after 10 p.m.

Sagittarius: A penny saved is a penny earned…but who can live on that? Keep working on your hoverbot butler idea and those pennies will roll in.

Capricorn: You have a need to accomplish something mighty on Wednesday. If you can’t climb the mountain, at least you can pee on the tree beside the trail. One way or another, you’ll leave your mark.

Aquarius: There’s more power in words unsaid than words unkind.  Bite that tongue, because you’re going to be very powerful on Monday. Hold it in until you’re alone in the bathroom; that way you can get rid of all your crap at once.

Pisces: Don’t look so down; who told you that you would have a bad day? Was it that mouthy fortune cookie? The universe will go stomp her crumbly butt. Don’t worry, everything will be fine.

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