Aries: If you drop it like it’s hot, it will probably land on your toe. Keep a firm grip on your situation this week, even if you have to wear welder’s gloves.

Taurus: While your frugality is a stellar survival skill, showing up on Wednesday with clearance Valentine’s Day candy won’t score you any points with the sweetie. Dig out those Subway coupons and treat that lover to lunch and a cookie; it will be the most you’ve ever spent on them.

Gemini: Set aside that sledgehammer, because Thursday will require a light touch. Not every problem is a game of Whack-A-Mole. Besides, you’ve destroyed three desks this month.

Cancer: Everyone talks about the quality of life, but you would rather appreciate a nice quantity, too. Give up the bacon-wrapped cigarettes and get more exercise beyond your hourly trot to the fridge. That should add at least 30 minutes to your days.

Leo: You don’t suffer in silence, but that doesn’t make your pain less real. It’s just more annoying. Set aside the Oscar-caliber histrionics for a minute and deal with your feelings. You have to do it, because your therapist won’t take your calls anymore.

Virgo: If only you had known where the cat’s jingle ball toy was, you wouldn’t be cling-wrapped to a football mascot in someone’ s trunk on Wednesday. Either find it now, or stash a flashlight in your undies.

Libra: Remember that scene from the Indiana Jones movie with the giant ball? Yeah, you’re the ball. You can’t put on the brakes, all you can do is hope the idiots get out of your way.

Scorpio: You find something of value, so decide now if you will return it or keep it, because Tuesday will require a split-second decision. Your choice will determine whether you get a parade or a purse-whacking from some irate little old lady.

Sagittarius: Life is worth living, love is worth knowing, but that outfit has got to go. Whoever bought you that was definitely under the influence of energy drinks and Pixie Sticks. Either find new friends or buy your mother new glasses.

Capricorn: The deep, sacred knowledge of the Native American people can heal your heart and mend the earth, but it can’t be found in “Project Runway” reruns or that autobiography of Snooki. Your end of the gene pool is so shallow, a sponge could take you out.

Aquarius: Some dragons breathe fire, others sign paychecks. None of them appreciate a pointy stick, so watch what you do with that pen.

Pisces: You’ve had so many doors slammed in your face, you’re starting to resemble a pug. Keep the faith, because this next one has a doggie door you can slip through to a better life.

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