Aries: You can’t have a rocket in your pocket if your fuse is limp. Get that fire back in your belly so someone special can ooh and aah over your fireworks display.

Taurus: It’s true that a watched pot never boils, and staring at the wall produces even less results. Look just long enough to find the door, then head out and find some adventure for the day. Band-Aids and tequila are in the cupboard when you get back.

Gemini: You may be going in circles, but this is no ordinary hamster wheel; you’re strapped into the GerbilMover 3000 All-Terrain Ball, and lesser people should get the heck out of your way. If they don’t, just squeegee them off later.

Cancer: There’s an opportunity to make money on Tuesday, but how much are your morals worth to you? If the price is too high, maybe you’ll have a clearance sale on dignity.

Leo: Take some time to stop and smell the roses before you fall exhausted into the rosebush. The aroma may be better, but you’ll still be surrounded by little pricks.

Virgo: Give a man a fish, and he’ll complain over the lack of fries and hushpuppies. Teach a man to work the drive-thru, and he’ll never complain about free fish again. He’ll also forget your fries.

Libra: Some people achieve greatness, others are best at just being the weird guy on the corner. By now, you’re pretty sure where you should be. It’s okay, at least weirdos are never lonely.

Scorpio: Things are quiet in your life: too quiet. Could be the Publishers Clearing House van coming your way, or Chuck Norris swooping in to beat your butt. Either way, make sure someone is running the camcorder.

Sagittarius: Your intuition is spot on Friday; you’re right about the salmon, the tax forms and the toilet paper. If all these combine into one event, your day may be worse than anyone imagined.

Capricorn: When you walk into a room, everyone lights up with smiles and giggles. You could check your zipper before the pointing starts or just own it like a boss and proclaim that you’re auditioning dancers for a hip hop video.

Aquarius: There’s a beautiful, positive person buried deep inside you, just waiting to get out. There’s also a contortionist in the refrigerator, but we don’t talk about that either.

Pisces: Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but no one really gives a crap how you played the game. You don’t need a ribbon just for participating; what you’re looking for is one really good cheap shot so you can score.

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