Aries: You may think you have all the cool moves, but you look like a hip hop dancer with a bee stuck in her thong. Slow down and find a mellow groove, because your health insurance doesn’t cover a sprained booty.

Taurus: You would get farther in life if you didn’t moonwalk three steps back for every leap forward. No one believes you’re the king of pop, so quit grabbing your crotch. It will appreciate the time off.

Gemini: Life is like a bag of Gummi Bears in the microwave; it’s messy, weird-looking and often sweet. Be careful how you handle it, so no one has to cut it out of your hair.

Cancer: Tuesday is a good day to ask for a raise, so you can get off Brokebutt Mountain and cruise on down to Easy Street. OK, you could end up on No More Ramen Boulevard. It’s worth the risk.

Leo: There’s a golden opportunity for a silver-tongued devil on Thursday. Make those words shine and you’ll bring home all the treasure. Hopefully it will be enough to overcome that clinking noise you make when you eat soup.

Virgo: If you allow others to have a hand in your future, at least make them use some Purell first. No one wants their destiny to smell like ass.

Libra: Forget going where everybody knows your name. Go where no one has a clue, that way they won’t suspect you when the tip jar and the take-a-penny tray goes missing.

Scorpio: There’s always a path for you, sometimes it’s just littered with thumbtacks, roller skates and escaped hamsters. Follow your bliss and take a broom.

Sagittarius: Not everyone gets you, but that’s okay. You’re an acquired taste, like wasabi Pop-Tarts. Keep feeding them little bites. Either they’ll love you or their heads will explode.

Capricorn: Be honest for a change. You don’t really care who’s in your pants, you’re just waiting for someone to blow your mind instead. Prepare to curl your toes on Saturday.

Aquarius: Not only are you the life of the party, but you made it so awesome it went nuclear and was re-incarnated as a monkey rave. Enjoy your mojo while you can, just watch where you fling that poo.

Pisces: When the door closes, don’t wait for a window to open; storm out of the house and kick down the door you want. Besides, if the universe cracks a window, it’s usually in the bathroom and you don’t want to be near that.

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