Aries: No one likes a smartypants, which is why you’re surrounded by friends. Bask in the warm glow of freedom from super-intelligence; you can’t be a know-it-all if you don’t know much, but you can receive incredulous looks from people who know better.

Taurus: If your perfect day includes strippers, a monkey wrench and a case of Red Bull, you’ll love Tuesday. Be warned, those things may not come in the order you want.

Gemini: Life is about to upgrade you from the happy little carousel to the thrill-your-balls-off roller coaster. Bring a change of clothes and eat light, because you don’t want to start your next adventure covered in vomit.

Cancer: A light touch is required on Thursday. Either you’ve finally achieved a sunburn from watching that 60-inch TV all the time, or your rash is acting up again. Better stock up on salve from the embarrassing ointment aisle in the drugstore.

Leo: Remember, dancing girls pop out of cakes, vicious aliens pop out of stomachs. Don’t confuse the two and cause a scene at the monthly company birthday party.

Virgo: If the best things in life were free, you would cover yourself in Cosmo perfume ads, whip up some McDonald’s ketchup soup and have a hot date with that hobo and some condoms from the clinic. But you can do better than that. You can afford a couple of Big Macs, too.

Libra: Put on your dancing shoes because you’re about to electric slide up to the big leagues and tap your way to the top. Forget ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ you’ll be hoofing with people that matter: the ones signing your paycheck.

Scorpio: Hang tight, because your dreams are about to be popped faster than a balloon dancer at an all-male quilting bee. Don’t pout, the universe knows you have a backlog of wild notions ready to take root; one of those will be a keeper.

Sagittarius: Ignore the cookie: good things don’t always come to those who wait. Sometimes you have to chase them down and drag them back to your lair. Also, your lucky numbers aren’t 5-3-5.

Capricorn: Don’t worry about the fickle finger of Fate; you should be more concerned with the beeyotch-slapping hand of Karma. Stock up on good deeds before Karma goes all Real Housewives on you.

Aquarius: An old friend reappears to ask you for a favor. Question is, does the tutu still fit, and has your hourly rate changed since the 1980s? This time around, forget the marzipan and roller skates.

Pisces: Life is a joke, but will yours be a quiet Bob Newhart punchline or a 15-minute Benny Hill sketch? Sharpen your wits and work on your timing; that way, the laughs are where you want them.

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