You are currently browsing the monthly archive for February 2012.

Aries: If you drop it like it’s hot, it will probably land on your toe. Keep a firm grip on your situation this week, even if you have to wear welder’s gloves.

Taurus: While your frugality is a stellar survival skill, showing up on Wednesday with clearance Valentine’s Day candy won’t score you any points with the sweetie. Dig out those Subway coupons and treat that lover to lunch and a cookie; it will be the most you’ve ever spent on them.

Gemini: Set aside that sledgehammer, because Thursday will require a light touch. Not every problem is a game of Whack-A-Mole. Besides, you’ve destroyed three desks this month.

Cancer: Everyone talks about the quality of life, but you would rather appreciate a nice quantity, too. Give up the bacon-wrapped cigarettes and get more exercise beyond your hourly trot to the fridge. That should add at least 30 minutes to your days.

Leo: You don’t suffer in silence, but that doesn’t make your pain less real. It’s just more annoying. Set aside the Oscar-caliber histrionics for a minute and deal with your feelings. You have to do it, because your therapist won’t take your calls anymore.

Virgo: If only you had known where the cat’s jingle ball toy was, you wouldn’t be cling-wrapped to a football mascot in someone’ s trunk on Wednesday. Either find it now, or stash a flashlight in your undies.

Libra: Remember that scene from the Indiana Jones movie with the giant ball? Yeah, you’re the ball. You can’t put on the brakes, all you can do is hope the idiots get out of your way.

Scorpio: You find something of value, so decide now if you will return it or keep it, because Tuesday will require a split-second decision. Your choice will determine whether you get a parade or a purse-whacking from some irate little old lady.

Sagittarius: Life is worth living, love is worth knowing, but that outfit has got to go. Whoever bought you that was definitely under the influence of energy drinks and Pixie Sticks. Either find new friends or buy your mother new glasses.

Capricorn: The deep, sacred knowledge of the Native American people can heal your heart and mend the earth, but it can’t be found in “Project Runway” reruns or that autobiography of Snooki. Your end of the gene pool is so shallow, a sponge could take you out.

Aquarius: Some dragons breathe fire, others sign paychecks. None of them appreciate a pointy stick, so watch what you do with that pen.

Pisces: You’ve had so many doors slammed in your face, you’re starting to resemble a pug. Keep the faith, because this next one has a doggie door you can slip through to a better life.

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Aries: You can’t have a rocket in your pocket if your fuse is limp. Get that fire back in your belly so someone special can ooh and aah over your fireworks display.

Taurus: It’s true that a watched pot never boils, and staring at the wall produces even less results. Look just long enough to find the door, then head out and find some adventure for the day. Band-Aids and tequila are in the cupboard when you get back.

Gemini: You may be going in circles, but this is no ordinary hamster wheel; you’re strapped into the GerbilMover 3000 All-Terrain Ball, and lesser people should get the heck out of your way. If they don’t, just squeegee them off later.

Cancer: There’s an opportunity to make money on Tuesday, but how much are your morals worth to you? If the price is too high, maybe you’ll have a clearance sale on dignity.

Leo: Take some time to stop and smell the roses before you fall exhausted into the rosebush. The aroma may be better, but you’ll still be surrounded by little pricks.

Virgo: Give a man a fish, and he’ll complain over the lack of fries and hushpuppies. Teach a man to work the drive-thru, and he’ll never complain about free fish again. He’ll also forget your fries.

Libra: Some people achieve greatness, others are best at just being the weird guy on the corner. By now, you’re pretty sure where you should be. It’s okay, at least weirdos are never lonely.

Scorpio: Things are quiet in your life: too quiet. Could be the Publishers Clearing House van coming your way, or Chuck Norris swooping in to beat your butt. Either way, make sure someone is running the camcorder.

Sagittarius: Your intuition is spot on Friday; you’re right about the salmon, the tax forms and the toilet paper. If all these combine into one event, your day may be worse than anyone imagined.

Capricorn: When you walk into a room, everyone lights up with smiles and giggles. You could check your zipper before the pointing starts or just own it like a boss and proclaim that you’re auditioning dancers for a hip hop video.

Aquarius: There’s a beautiful, positive person buried deep inside you, just waiting to get out. There’s also a contortionist in the refrigerator, but we don’t talk about that either.

Pisces: Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but no one really gives a crap how you played the game. You don’t need a ribbon just for participating; what you’re looking for is one really good cheap shot so you can score.

Aries: You may think you have all the cool moves, but you look like a hip hop dancer with a bee stuck in her thong. Slow down and find a mellow groove, because your health insurance doesn’t cover a sprained booty.

Taurus: You would get farther in life if you didn’t moonwalk three steps back for every leap forward. No one believes you’re the king of pop, so quit grabbing your crotch. It will appreciate the time off.

Gemini: Life is like a bag of Gummi Bears in the microwave; it’s messy, weird-looking and often sweet. Be careful how you handle it, so no one has to cut it out of your hair.

Cancer: Tuesday is a good day to ask for a raise, so you can get off Brokebutt Mountain and cruise on down to Easy Street. OK, you could end up on No More Ramen Boulevard. It’s worth the risk.

Leo: There’s a golden opportunity for a silver-tongued devil on Thursday. Make those words shine and you’ll bring home all the treasure. Hopefully it will be enough to overcome that clinking noise you make when you eat soup.

Virgo: If you allow others to have a hand in your future, at least make them use some Purell first. No one wants their destiny to smell like ass.

Libra: Forget going where everybody knows your name. Go where no one has a clue, that way they won’t suspect you when the tip jar and the take-a-penny tray goes missing.

Scorpio: There’s always a path for you, sometimes it’s just littered with thumbtacks, roller skates and escaped hamsters. Follow your bliss and take a broom.

Sagittarius: Not everyone gets you, but that’s okay. You’re an acquired taste, like wasabi Pop-Tarts. Keep feeding them little bites. Either they’ll love you or their heads will explode.

Capricorn: Be honest for a change. You don’t really care who’s in your pants, you’re just waiting for someone to blow your mind instead. Prepare to curl your toes on Saturday.

Aquarius: Not only are you the life of the party, but you made it so awesome it went nuclear and was re-incarnated as a monkey rave. Enjoy your mojo while you can, just watch where you fling that poo.

Pisces: When the door closes, don’t wait for a window to open; storm out of the house and kick down the door you want. Besides, if the universe cracks a window, it’s usually in the bathroom and you don’t want to be near that.

Aries: No one likes a smartypants, which is why you’re surrounded by friends. Bask in the warm glow of freedom from super-intelligence; you can’t be a know-it-all if you don’t know much, but you can receive incredulous looks from people who know better.

Taurus: If your perfect day includes strippers, a monkey wrench and a case of Red Bull, you’ll love Tuesday. Be warned, those things may not come in the order you want.

Gemini: Life is about to upgrade you from the happy little carousel to the thrill-your-balls-off roller coaster. Bring a change of clothes and eat light, because you don’t want to start your next adventure covered in vomit.

Cancer: A light touch is required on Thursday. Either you’ve finally achieved a sunburn from watching that 60-inch TV all the time, or your rash is acting up again. Better stock up on salve from the embarrassing ointment aisle in the drugstore.

Leo: Remember, dancing girls pop out of cakes, vicious aliens pop out of stomachs. Don’t confuse the two and cause a scene at the monthly company birthday party.

Virgo: If the best things in life were free, you would cover yourself in Cosmo perfume ads, whip up some McDonald’s ketchup soup and have a hot date with that hobo and some condoms from the clinic. But you can do better than that. You can afford a couple of Big Macs, too.

Libra: Put on your dancing shoes because you’re about to electric slide up to the big leagues and tap your way to the top. Forget ‘Dancing With the Stars,’ you’ll be hoofing with people that matter: the ones signing your paycheck.

Scorpio: Hang tight, because your dreams are about to be popped faster than a balloon dancer at an all-male quilting bee. Don’t pout, the universe knows you have a backlog of wild notions ready to take root; one of those will be a keeper.

Sagittarius: Ignore the cookie: good things don’t always come to those who wait. Sometimes you have to chase them down and drag them back to your lair. Also, your lucky numbers aren’t 5-3-5.

Capricorn: Don’t worry about the fickle finger of Fate; you should be more concerned with the beeyotch-slapping hand of Karma. Stock up on good deeds before Karma goes all Real Housewives on you.

Aquarius: An old friend reappears to ask you for a favor. Question is, does the tutu still fit, and has your hourly rate changed since the 1980s? This time around, forget the marzipan and roller skates.

Pisces: Life is a joke, but will yours be a quiet Bob Newhart punchline or a 15-minute Benny Hill sketch? Sharpen your wits and work on your timing; that way, the laughs are where you want them.