Aries: You will find something lost long ago. It can’t be your virginity or common sense, so your best hope is for 20-year-old scotch and not a unfiled tax return.
Taurus: Never fear, your best years are ahead of you. There they are, in that yearbook on the coffee table. Turn up Springsteen and have a good cry, then go kick a hipster.
Gemini: You’ve found a new inner strength. Make sure it’s not because someone’s slipped a rod up your butt, because TSA screening will become far more interesting than you’d like.
Cancer: You think your life deserves a sizzling R-rating, but in truth, you barely get a PG-13. Spice up your life with a trip through the naughtier clothing aisles; Tweety never tawt he taw any wood.
Leo: No one likes a tattletale, but everyone loves a gossip. If you’re going to spread the truth around, at least make it juicy.
Virgo: Your week improves dramatically when you find a whip, a pair of thigh-high leather boots and a labelmaker. Don’t go overboard, save the strawberry jam and clothespins for another day.
Libra: Some days your life is like a string of ABBA songs, and other days the drugs are out of your system. If you’re singing “Dancing Queen” while peeing in a cup, you may be in trouble.
Scorpio: Just because your boss comes to work with no pants doesn’t mean it’s okay for you. Wait until the memo arrives before you slap those cheeks on the breakroom table or you could be taking dictation behind the head honcho’s door.
Sagittarius: Your heart may be in the right place, but that kneecap looks iffy and you have too many dangling parts. Ask a family member to duct tape you to a scooter so you can quit crabwalking through Walmart.
Capricorn: Before you become a mighty oak you must first be a sapling, so don’t get your trunk in a twist. Branch out and try some new experiences before you drop a log.
Aquarius: You may call it random situational economics, but everyone knows you’re just playing the lottery. Try using your dog’s birthday for lucky numbers this week. If nothing else, it will force you to do some math.
Pisces: When faced with a rocky road, you usually grab a spoon. This time, there is no spoon. Use your brain to conquer the challenge and you won’t have to worry about the calories.