Aries: You may think you’re giving that sweetie a great salami, but you’re actually just slipping them a cold breakfast sausage. If you don’t have the meat for the full meal deal, lay out the bread for some jewelry.
Taurus: A new job opportunity sashays across your path; be prepared to dance for your dinner or at least shake your moneymaker for a gift basket.
Gemini: Life is a book of rich experiences, thick with nuance and meaning. Too bad you’re still reading Pat the Bunny. Challenge yourself before the universe takes away your library card and leaves you with a Gilbert Gottfried audiobook.
Cancer: Starting down a new path is never easy. Remember, if you could walk that way, you wouldn’t need the talcum powder. Try a few steps a la commando; there will be far less chafing.
Leo: Even the brightest star can’t be seen if you leave the lens cap on. Take off your blinders and see how shiny your life really is; so what if it’s sequins, CZ and glitter? You know how to work it, honey.
Virgo: Thursday will be so awesome you’ll want its autograph, but watch out for Friday; you both may end up on “Cops” seeking a restraining order.
Libra: Tomorrow all the mirrors will make you look five pounds lighter, a stranger will buy you coffee and you’ll get an email from an old flame lamenting how wonderful you were. Feel free to let it all go to your head for just one day.
Scorpio: Not only do you plan on riding out the storm, you’ve bought spurs and bedazzled chaps for the occasion. Before you grab the reins, think about trotting off into the sunset without the drama.
Sagittarius: Everyone needs a boost now and then, but you have a rocket strapped to your butt this weekend. Make sure you’re wearing a helmet, because it will be a bumpy flight.
Capricorn: If you had all the answers, you’d be writing million-dollar fortune cookies and texting with Oprah. Right now you just have one answer, but it’s enough to get you a coupon for hemorrhoid cream.
Aquarius: If you’re going to get your panties in a twist, just buy a thong and be done with it. Otherwise, forgive, forget and remember to wax.
Pisces: Time flies when you’re having fun, but the next few weeks you’ll want to slow down to a relaxed jaunt. Enjoy these moments and stick them in your memory book so they don’t wiggle away.