Aries: If you’re looking for more adventure in your life, then take note on Thursday. Be careful, you’ll need more than a whip and a cool hat to beat what’s in that pit.
Taurus: Lately you’ve been more nervous than a porcupine at a quilting bee. Let your guard down a little and share your opinion, just watch out for someone else’s point.
Gemini: Afraid to rock the boat? If you don’t step in soon, a stranger will hula your dinghy all the way to Davy Jones’ locker, and you don’t have the combination.
Cancer: Sure, everyone has to work, but you need some downtime. Get a ten-gallon drum of cheese balls and the entire works of Schwarzenegger on DVD. An orange-fingered, blast ‘em away weekend would do you good.
Leo: Your happiness has been harder to find than a real boob on the Las Vegas strip. Take heart, because your cup is about to runneth over with some pert and perky tidings.
Virgo: Those old feelings are stirring again. Remember, if you get up one morning and find that you’ve bought a secret volcano lair and a creepy lap pet, you should call your Supervillians Anonymous sponsor immediately. It’s not like Lex Luthor has anything going on right now anyway.
Libra: Do you feel pretty? Oh so pretty? Good, because you are workin’ it this week, honey. Not everyone can pull off zebra-striped boots and a Carhartt jacket, but you do.
Scorpio: You think you’re spreading sunshine, but your friends realize it’s something far more stinky. Ease back on the fertilizer before someone converts your tractor into a giant pooper-scooper.
Sagittarius: Everyone loves a parade, but what you’re doing is technically a high speed chase. Quit waving at all the cameras and just look for a good place to ditch the helicopter. That Barney suit is a nice touch, by the way.
Capricorn: It’s never easy to stand up and do the right thing, that’s why you should sit down and do it. Plenty of good can be accomplished from the comfort of an overpadded recliner with automatic butt-warming action and a cup holder.
Aquarius: Finding the perfect mate is like finding your favorite jeans: it takes some breaking in and butt-wiggling before the fit is just right. Keep ‘em out of hot water and you’ll look good for a lifetime.
Pisces: You have the stunned look of someone who just got what they wanted. So now what? Reel in that dream and bait the hook again. You’re fishing for a goal big enough to take down Richard Dreyfus.