Aries: Jacks are wild, but you’re not anymore. Take care of your full house, or you could be discarded and replaced with a new King.

Taurus: If you burn all your bridges, the only thing you’ll accomplish is pissing off a lot of trolls. Keep the Brute Squad away and just use Google Maps to avoid those bridges from now on.

Gemini: You’re having more fun than a poltergeist at a ghost hunting convention. Squeeze out your best spooky moan and you’ll have the crowd squealing like a bunch of Bieber-loving girls.

Cancer: Congratulations, your resolutions lasted until 4:00 a.m. when you discovered they sell beer, cigarettes and Rocky Road ice cream at the convenience store. Better luck next year.

Leo: Discovering the Divine is a great thought, but if you hang out with a god for too long, you’re going to see them scratching themselves in their underwear. Keep the mystery in your spiritual relationship and leave them alone on Saturday night.

Virgo: Forget the turd in the punchbowl; someone’s willing to nuke the whole ballroom just to be rid of you. Pinch off those final comments and make a hasty retreat before someone follows your boom-boom with a bigger one.

Libra: Success is a lot like jock itch; no one really wants to hear about it. Save up your prosperous tales for family reunions and corporate picnics so you can spread your news and irritate everyone at once.

Scorpio: All’s fair in love and war, but don’t pull any of that crap while playing Mario Kart on Friday night, or someone will bean you with an Xbox. Pretty sure unconsciousness isn’t considered leveling up.

Sagittarius: It’s a fresh new year, so you’re planning to do everything right. The chicken will be relieved to hear that, but she’s not quite ready for marriage yet. Go pick on someone your own size, like an emu.

Capricorn: Don’t worry about the Mayans in 2012. Your world might end when your boss discovers what you’ve been doing on the copier and in the coffeepot, though. Sounds like you need to do a deep cleaning at the office. You’ll get points and remove DNA evidence at the same time.

Aquarius: Your luck will change at 3:35 Wednesday afternoon. If you’ve had hard times, prepare for better. If you’ve been fortunate all along, then you’ll quit hogging all the good stuff and see how the other half lives. So there.

Pisces: There’s a bright spot on the horizon, and for once it’s not an oncoming train, bus or evil pilotfish. Could be a ghost, though. Get your backpack on and don’t cross the streams.