Aries:  Something big is waiting for you this week; it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that doesn’t involve Amway or magazine subscriptions. There, might, however, be a small fee for processing and handling.

Taurus: If you hate when someone pees on you and says it’s raining, you should be extra jumpy on Thursday. Someone can’t wait to shower you with their regards. If you hear a zipper, run.

Gemini: You’ll find some peace when it seems like the whole world has forgotten you. Pretend you’re on NBC and enjoy the quiet instead of worrying that the spotlight will never come back.

Cancer: If you want your resolutions to stick this year, use duct tape. It’s a handy device against overeating, and when applied liberally, it makes a stunning corset. Just be careful, no one wants you turning blue and stumbling around for help. That’s rather annoying.

Leo: Good things come to those who wait, not those who jump up and down on the platform saying, “Pick me! Pick me!” Show some decorum, this isn’t “The Bachelorette.”

Virgo: If that lucky break you received is the wrong size, be warned: the universe doesn’t take returns. They’re more strict than Walmart. You can regift, though, if you’re angling for a bigger chance next year.

Libra: Tradition says whomever you wake up with on New Year’s Day will be your type for the rest of the year. Limit your tequila intake and don’t party near any petting zoos.

Scorpio: It takes a special heart to give as much love as you do. Unfortunately, now you have to call them all up and tell them to go and get a shot. Just think of it as a different, ickier kind of social network.

Sagittarius: There’s a time and place for everything, except for what you did last night. Confessing your sins won’t even help you, unless you know a Terminator priest with extra-strong holy water. Good luck getting the orange marmalade out of your underwear.

Capricorn: The world is your oyster, and all you have to open it with is a plastic spoon. Ah well, oysters are overrated anyway. Trade it in for pudding. It’s more satisfying, anyway.

Aquarius: Your dreams of being the world’s first roller skating rodeo queen may be dashed, but think of that poor bull. He has a spangly disco outfit now, and nowhere to wear it. Treat yourselves to one last skate around the rink before calling it quits.

Pisces: Patience may be a virtue, but like all the other virtues, it’s not that much fun.  Hang on a little longer; your opportunity to celebrate like a drunken cheerleader is coming fast.

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