You are currently browsing the monthly archive for January 2012.

Aries: You will find something lost long ago. It can’t be your virginity or common sense, so your best hope is for 20-year-old scotch and not a unfiled tax return.

Taurus: Never fear, your best years are ahead of you. There they are, in that yearbook on the coffee table. Turn up Springsteen and have a good cry, then go kick a hipster.

Gemini: You’ve found a new inner strength. Make sure it’s not because someone’s slipped a rod up your butt, because TSA screening will become far more interesting than you’d like.

Cancer: You think your life deserves a sizzling R-rating, but in truth, you barely get a PG-13.  Spice up your life with a trip through the naughtier clothing aisles; Tweety never tawt he taw any wood.

Leo: No one likes a tattletale, but everyone loves a gossip. If you’re going to spread the truth around, at least make it juicy.

Virgo: Your week improves dramatically when you find a whip, a pair of thigh-high leather boots and a labelmaker. Don’t go overboard, save the strawberry jam and clothespins for another day.

Libra: Some days your life is like a string of ABBA songs, and other days the drugs are out of your system. If you’re singing “Dancing Queen” while peeing in a cup, you may be in trouble.

Scorpio: Just because your boss comes to work with no pants doesn’t mean it’s okay for you. Wait until the memo arrives before you slap those cheeks on the breakroom table or you could be taking dictation behind the head honcho’s door.

Sagittarius: Your heart may be in the right place, but that kneecap looks iffy and you have too many dangling parts. Ask a family member to duct tape you to a scooter so you can quit crabwalking through Walmart.

Capricorn: Before you become a mighty oak you must first be a sapling, so don’t get your trunk in a twist.  Branch out and try some new experiences before you drop a log.

Aquarius:  You may call it random situational economics, but everyone knows you’re just playing the lottery.  Try using your dog’s birthday for lucky numbers this week. If nothing else, it will force you to do some math.

Pisces: When faced with a rocky road, you usually grab a spoon. This time, there is no spoon. Use your brain to conquer the challenge and you won’t have to worry about the calories.

Aries: You may think you’re giving that sweetie a great salami, but you’re actually just slipping them a cold breakfast sausage. If you don’t have the meat for the full meal deal, lay out the bread for some jewelry.

Taurus: A new job opportunity sashays across your path; be prepared to dance for your dinner or at least shake your moneymaker for a gift basket.

Gemini: Life is a book of rich experiences, thick with nuance and meaning. Too bad you’re still reading Pat the Bunny. Challenge yourself before the universe takes away your library card and leaves you with a Gilbert Gottfried audiobook.

Cancer: Starting down a new path is never easy. Remember, if you could walk that way, you wouldn’t need the talcum powder. Try a few steps a la commando; there will be far less chafing.

Leo: Even the brightest star can’t be seen if you leave the lens cap on. Take off your blinders and see how shiny your life really is; so what if it’s sequins, CZ and glitter? You know how to work it, honey.

Virgo: Thursday will be so awesome you’ll want its autograph, but watch out for Friday; you both may end up on “Cops” seeking a restraining order.

Libra: Tomorrow all the mirrors will make you look five pounds lighter, a stranger will buy you coffee and you’ll get an email from an old flame lamenting how wonderful you were. Feel free to let it all go to your head for just one day.

Scorpio: Not only do you plan on riding out the storm, you’ve bought spurs and bedazzled chaps for the occasion. Before you grab the reins, think about trotting off into the sunset without the drama.

Sagittarius: Everyone needs a boost now and then, but you have a rocket strapped to your butt this weekend. Make sure you’re wearing a helmet, because it will be a bumpy flight.

Capricorn: If you had all the answers, you’d be writing million-dollar fortune cookies and texting with Oprah. Right now you just have one answer, but it’s enough to get you a coupon for hemorrhoid cream.

Aquarius: If you’re going to get your panties in a twist, just buy a thong and be done with it. Otherwise, forgive, forget and remember to wax.

Pisces: Time flies when you’re having fun, but the next few weeks you’ll want to slow down to a relaxed jaunt. Enjoy these moments and stick them in your memory book so they don’t wiggle away.

Aries: If you’re looking for more adventure in your life, then take note on Thursday. Be careful, you’ll need more than a whip and a cool hat to beat what’s in that pit.

Taurus: Lately you’ve been more nervous than a porcupine at a quilting bee. Let your guard down a little and share your opinion, just watch out for someone else’s point.

Gemini: Afraid to rock the boat? If you don’t step in soon, a stranger will hula your dinghy all the way to Davy Jones’ locker, and you don’t have the combination.

Cancer: Sure, everyone has to work, but you need some downtime. Get a ten-gallon drum of cheese balls and the entire works of Schwarzenegger on DVD. An orange-fingered, blast ‘em away weekend would do you good.

Leo: Your happiness has been harder to find than a real boob on the Las Vegas strip. Take heart, because your cup is about to runneth over with some pert and perky tidings.

Virgo:  Those old feelings are stirring again. Remember, if you get up one morning and find that you’ve bought a secret volcano lair and a creepy lap pet, you should call your Supervillians Anonymous sponsor immediately. It’s not like Lex Luthor has anything going on right now anyway.

Libra: Do you feel pretty? Oh so pretty? Good, because you are workin’ it this week, honey. Not everyone can pull off zebra-striped boots and a Carhartt jacket, but you do.

Scorpio: You think you’re spreading sunshine, but your friends realize it’s something far more stinky. Ease back on the fertilizer before someone converts your tractor into a giant pooper-scooper.

Sagittarius: Everyone loves a parade, but what you’re doing is technically a high speed chase. Quit waving at all the cameras and just look for a good place to ditch the helicopter. That Barney suit is a nice touch, by the way.

Capricorn: It’s never easy to stand up and do the right thing, that’s why you should sit down and do it. Plenty of good can be accomplished from the comfort of an overpadded recliner with automatic butt-warming action and a cup holder.

Aquarius: Finding the perfect mate is like finding your favorite jeans: it takes some breaking in and butt-wiggling before the fit is just right. Keep ‘em out of hot water and you’ll look good for a lifetime.

Pisces: You have the stunned look of someone who just got what they wanted. So now what? Reel in that dream and bait the hook again. You’re fishing for a goal big enough to take down Richard Dreyfus.

Aries: Jacks are wild, but you’re not anymore. Take care of your full house, or you could be discarded and replaced with a new King.

Taurus: If you burn all your bridges, the only thing you’ll accomplish is pissing off a lot of trolls. Keep the Brute Squad away and just use Google Maps to avoid those bridges from now on.

Gemini: You’re having more fun than a poltergeist at a ghost hunting convention. Squeeze out your best spooky moan and you’ll have the crowd squealing like a bunch of Bieber-loving girls.

Cancer: Congratulations, your resolutions lasted until 4:00 a.m. when you discovered they sell beer, cigarettes and Rocky Road ice cream at the convenience store. Better luck next year.

Leo: Discovering the Divine is a great thought, but if you hang out with a god for too long, you’re going to see them scratching themselves in their underwear. Keep the mystery in your spiritual relationship and leave them alone on Saturday night.

Virgo: Forget the turd in the punchbowl; someone’s willing to nuke the whole ballroom just to be rid of you. Pinch off those final comments and make a hasty retreat before someone follows your boom-boom with a bigger one.

Libra: Success is a lot like jock itch; no one really wants to hear about it. Save up your prosperous tales for family reunions and corporate picnics so you can spread your news and irritate everyone at once.

Scorpio: All’s fair in love and war, but don’t pull any of that crap while playing Mario Kart on Friday night, or someone will bean you with an Xbox. Pretty sure unconsciousness isn’t considered leveling up.

Sagittarius: It’s a fresh new year, so you’re planning to do everything right. The chicken will be relieved to hear that, but she’s not quite ready for marriage yet. Go pick on someone your own size, like an emu.

Capricorn: Don’t worry about the Mayans in 2012. Your world might end when your boss discovers what you’ve been doing on the copier and in the coffeepot, though. Sounds like you need to do a deep cleaning at the office. You’ll get points and remove DNA evidence at the same time.

Aquarius: Your luck will change at 3:35 Wednesday afternoon. If you’ve had hard times, prepare for better. If you’ve been fortunate all along, then you’ll quit hogging all the good stuff and see how the other half lives. So there.

Pisces: There’s a bright spot on the horizon, and for once it’s not an oncoming train, bus or evil pilotfish. Could be a ghost, though. Get your backpack on and don’t cross the streams.

Aries:  Something big is waiting for you this week; it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that doesn’t involve Amway or magazine subscriptions. There, might, however, be a small fee for processing and handling.

Taurus: If you hate when someone pees on you and says it’s raining, you should be extra jumpy on Thursday. Someone can’t wait to shower you with their regards. If you hear a zipper, run.

Gemini: You’ll find some peace when it seems like the whole world has forgotten you. Pretend you’re on NBC and enjoy the quiet instead of worrying that the spotlight will never come back.

Cancer: If you want your resolutions to stick this year, use duct tape. It’s a handy device against overeating, and when applied liberally, it makes a stunning corset. Just be careful, no one wants you turning blue and stumbling around for help. That’s rather annoying.

Leo: Good things come to those who wait, not those who jump up and down on the platform saying, “Pick me! Pick me!” Show some decorum, this isn’t “The Bachelorette.”

Virgo: If that lucky break you received is the wrong size, be warned: the universe doesn’t take returns. They’re more strict than Walmart. You can regift, though, if you’re angling for a bigger chance next year.

Libra: Tradition says whomever you wake up with on New Year’s Day will be your type for the rest of the year. Limit your tequila intake and don’t party near any petting zoos.

Scorpio: It takes a special heart to give as much love as you do. Unfortunately, now you have to call them all up and tell them to go and get a shot. Just think of it as a different, ickier kind of social network.

Sagittarius: There’s a time and place for everything, except for what you did last night. Confessing your sins won’t even help you, unless you know a Terminator priest with extra-strong holy water. Good luck getting the orange marmalade out of your underwear.

Capricorn: The world is your oyster, and all you have to open it with is a plastic spoon. Ah well, oysters are overrated anyway. Trade it in for pudding. It’s more satisfying, anyway.

Aquarius: Your dreams of being the world’s first roller skating rodeo queen may be dashed, but think of that poor bull. He has a spangly disco outfit now, and nowhere to wear it. Treat yourselves to one last skate around the rink before calling it quits.

Pisces: Patience may be a virtue, but like all the other virtues, it’s not that much fun.  Hang on a little longer; your opportunity to celebrate like a drunken cheerleader is coming fast.

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