Aries: When you turn over a new leaf, watch out for killer caterpillars. Sometimes hanging out under the old leaf is best until you’re prepared to deal with the unknown, like zombie aphids or having to work for a living.

Taurus: If someone has you by the horns, relax. There are far worse places to grab, and those will get yanked this weekend. Just pray they don’t have cold hands.

Gemini: What moves you? Is it a sentimental Kodak commercial or a malfunctioning escalator? Figure out what you need and when before that breakdown happens.

Cancer: Your life can be dangerous whether you’re in the middle of a three-ring circus or a three-ring binder. Sooner or later, something’s going to snap.

Leo: You have the mighty roar, but when you use it all the freaking time, it just becomes white noise to the other wild animals. Back off a bit, but don’t smile—that just scares the crap out of everyone.

Virgo: Sure, you’ve made New Year’s resolutions that lasted longer than Kim Kardashian’s marriage. That’s not saying much, though. Try for the next step in 2012: outlasting Charlie Sheen’s humility. Nope, that’s gone too.

Libra: You may want to tackle a new challenge, but it’s like putting a bodice on Olive Oyl: there’s nothing to keep it up. Work on your motivation before thinking it’s a cinch.

Scorpio:  You’ve seen fire and you’ve seen rain, but it’s nothing like the crapstorm heading your way on Thursday. Get a helmet.

Sagittarius: In between the presents and the pecan pie, you will know a moment of true peace. Savor it right until someone chucks a Hot Wheels at your head.

Capricorn: One of your best traits is the ability to just put your head down and climb. Do that this week and you’ll be amazed where you end up. You also may be dragging a park bench, a ranger and a bear behind you.

Aquarius: There’s a light in your eyes that no glum partygoer or bad mood can extinguish. It may not seem real to others, but it works for you. Wear sunglasses so you don’t freak people out in the grocery store, but otherwise, shine on, you crazy cubic zirconia.

Pisces: Little bluebirds can lift your spirits, but what you really need is a giant crane to hoist your butt out of that cave and into the sunlight. Looks like you just might get your miracle.