Aries: You’ll catch a bit of good luck on Tuesday, especially if you use bread crumbs and a net. Don’t get too close, it might bite.

Taurus: There’s plenty of Christmas cheer headed your way. If it doesn’t come from your family or your good karma, at least the liquor store is on your way home. Remember, don’t drink and drive, save it for when the kids are hammering you with wish lists.

Gemini: Normally you march to the beat of a different drummer, but even he gave up. So make due with a puffin playing the triangle. You’re weird and obscure enough,  soon you’ll be a hipster hit.

Cancer: Feeling depressed this holiday season? Take a boombox to the mall and play “Yakety Sax” from the Benny Hill show. You’ll laugh your butt off while everyone’s running theirs into the ground.

Leo: Feeling tired all the time? Put some forgiveness in a few stockings and drop all that baggage. Don’t worry, Santa will deliver it to some airhead who doesn’t have enough to worry about.

Virgo: You have a good heart, it just takes a beating from the wind and the rain when you wear it on your sleeve. Scotchgard that ticker or buy it a hat.

Libra: Lately you’ve been feeling more awkward than Rick Perry at a Pride parade. Why fight it? Slap on some sequins, feathers and stilettos, and embrace your inner diversity. Besides, the walk will be good for your thighs.

Scorpio: Turning your anger inside for too long will make you explode like a MythBusters dummy. Let out that rage the way everyone else does: by writing a incomprehensible letter to the editor demanding the return of “Laverne and Shirley.”

Sagittarius: You may think covering yourself in mistletoe will snatch you a smooch at the office party, but someone may take a weed whacker to your plans. Pull those lips back a bit to keep your butt covered.

Capricorn: That big-screen TV may not be under the tree for you this year, but that’s okay. Considering the life you’ve led, just waking up for one more day is a gift and a miracle unto itself.

Aquarius: If your season is turning into one very big, ugly Christmas sweater, remember this: somewhere there’s a thread to pull with your name on it.

Pisces: You’ve fallen through the cracks so often, you carry mountain-climbing gear just to see daylight. This month, you’ll land in just the right place to make your mark. Remember to pack your protein bars and astronaut ice cream.

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