Aries: It’s not all about you…or is it? Could there actually be a global conspiracy to hold you down and keep you from fulfilling your potential? Or is your lack of accomplishment simply from your butt being glued to the couch? If you can stand up but don’t want to, don’t blame the world.
Taurus: You may think your life is a “Mission Impossible” movie, but in reality it’s more like an Adam Sandler film, and not even one you’d want to rent. But hey, those things make a buttload of money, so maybe you’re in luck.
Gemini: Don’t judge a book by its cover. Judge it by the author’s Facebook page and how cheap you can buy it on Kindle.
Cancer: Forget about those who dismiss your “pie in the sky” dreams. Airborne dessert could be the next big thing. Who wouldn’t want cloudbursts of cupcakes? Keep your feet on the ground, and keep baking in the stars.
Leo: If no good deed goes unpunished, maybe you can at least ask for Katia in the black vinyl getup with the whip and the orange marmalade. It’ll teach you to be a better person.
Virgo: You have a lot of love to give, so quit trying to rent it out for a few burgers and free wi-fi. Besides, that guy over there is probably a cop. Respect yourself and find a nice sugar daddy.
Libra: It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye, and then it’s a video for “World’s Dumbest.” Maybe they’ll pay enough to cover the medical bills, or you’ll just be the one-eyed guy in the free t-shirt.
Scorpio: That incredible deal has more than strings attached; there’s a whole macramé of loose ends just waiting for a tug by some pencil-pusher. Find a Boy Scout and learn some knots before you’re tangled in the web.
Sagittarius: You may not get a lucky break, but if you play your cards right you could have a lucky sprain. It doesn’t help with lottery numbers but it could be useful for a cheap scratcher ticket and a cup of coffee.
Capricorn: If no one is interested in your collection of foreign pencils and rare manila folders, try an evening haunting the aisles at Staples. For every Trapper, there’s a Keeper.
Aquarius: Your desire for order is admirable, but life isn’t a parade neatly marching through. It’s more of a demolition derby, and your junker has lost three headlights and a door. Gas up, get out there and leave your mark.
Pisces: The good news you’ve been waiting for is at your doorstep with bells on. When it knocks, grab it, squeeze it and shake it until you wake the neighbors. That’ll pay them back for the morning leafblower sessions.