You are currently browsing the monthly archive for December 2011.

Aries: When you turn over a new leaf, watch out for killer caterpillars. Sometimes hanging out under the old leaf is best until you’re prepared to deal with the unknown, like zombie aphids or having to work for a living.

Taurus: If someone has you by the horns, relax. There are far worse places to grab, and those will get yanked this weekend. Just pray they don’t have cold hands.

Gemini: What moves you? Is it a sentimental Kodak commercial or a malfunctioning escalator? Figure out what you need and when before that breakdown happens.

Cancer: Your life can be dangerous whether you’re in the middle of a three-ring circus or a three-ring binder. Sooner or later, something’s going to snap.

Leo: You have the mighty roar, but when you use it all the freaking time, it just becomes white noise to the other wild animals. Back off a bit, but don’t smile—that just scares the crap out of everyone.

Virgo: Sure, you’ve made New Year’s resolutions that lasted longer than Kim Kardashian’s marriage. That’s not saying much, though. Try for the next step in 2012: outlasting Charlie Sheen’s humility. Nope, that’s gone too.

Libra: You may want to tackle a new challenge, but it’s like putting a bodice on Olive Oyl: there’s nothing to keep it up. Work on your motivation before thinking it’s a cinch.

Scorpio:  You’ve seen fire and you’ve seen rain, but it’s nothing like the crapstorm heading your way on Thursday. Get a helmet.

Sagittarius: In between the presents and the pecan pie, you will know a moment of true peace. Savor it right until someone chucks a Hot Wheels at your head.

Capricorn: One of your best traits is the ability to just put your head down and climb. Do that this week and you’ll be amazed where you end up. You also may be dragging a park bench, a ranger and a bear behind you.

Aquarius: There’s a light in your eyes that no glum partygoer or bad mood can extinguish. It may not seem real to others, but it works for you. Wear sunglasses so you don’t freak people out in the grocery store, but otherwise, shine on, you crazy cubic zirconia.

Pisces: Little bluebirds can lift your spirits, but what you really need is a giant crane to hoist your butt out of that cave and into the sunlight. Looks like you just might get your miracle.

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Aries: You’ll catch a bit of good luck on Tuesday, especially if you use bread crumbs and a net. Don’t get too close, it might bite.

Taurus: There’s plenty of Christmas cheer headed your way. If it doesn’t come from your family or your good karma, at least the liquor store is on your way home. Remember, don’t drink and drive, save it for when the kids are hammering you with wish lists.

Gemini: Normally you march to the beat of a different drummer, but even he gave up. So make due with a puffin playing the triangle. You’re weird and obscure enough,  soon you’ll be a hipster hit.

Cancer: Feeling depressed this holiday season? Take a boombox to the mall and play “Yakety Sax” from the Benny Hill show. You’ll laugh your butt off while everyone’s running theirs into the ground.

Leo: Feeling tired all the time? Put some forgiveness in a few stockings and drop all that baggage. Don’t worry, Santa will deliver it to some airhead who doesn’t have enough to worry about.

Virgo: You have a good heart, it just takes a beating from the wind and the rain when you wear it on your sleeve. Scotchgard that ticker or buy it a hat.

Libra: Lately you’ve been feeling more awkward than Rick Perry at a Pride parade. Why fight it? Slap on some sequins, feathers and stilettos, and embrace your inner diversity. Besides, the walk will be good for your thighs.

Scorpio: Turning your anger inside for too long will make you explode like a MythBusters dummy. Let out that rage the way everyone else does: by writing a incomprehensible letter to the editor demanding the return of “Laverne and Shirley.”

Sagittarius: You may think covering yourself in mistletoe will snatch you a smooch at the office party, but someone may take a weed whacker to your plans. Pull those lips back a bit to keep your butt covered.

Capricorn: That big-screen TV may not be under the tree for you this year, but that’s okay. Considering the life you’ve led, just waking up for one more day is a gift and a miracle unto itself.

Aquarius: If your season is turning into one very big, ugly Christmas sweater, remember this: somewhere there’s a thread to pull with your name on it.

Pisces: You’ve fallen through the cracks so often, you carry mountain-climbing gear just to see daylight. This month, you’ll land in just the right place to make your mark. Remember to pack your protein bars and astronaut ice cream.

Aries: It’s not all about you…or is it? Could there actually be a global conspiracy to hold you down and keep you from fulfilling your potential? Or is your lack of accomplishment simply from your butt being glued to the couch? If you can stand up but don’t want to, don’t blame the world.

Taurus: You may think your life is a “Mission Impossible” movie, but in reality it’s more like an Adam Sandler film, and not even one you’d want to rent. But hey, those things make a buttload of money, so maybe you’re in luck.

Gemini: Don’t judge a book by its cover. Judge it by the author’s Facebook page and how cheap you can buy it on Kindle.

Cancer: Forget about those who dismiss your “pie in the sky” dreams. Airborne dessert could be the next big thing. Who wouldn’t want cloudbursts of cupcakes? Keep your feet on the ground, and keep baking in the stars.

Leo: If no good deed goes unpunished, maybe you can at least ask for Katia in the black vinyl getup with the whip and the orange marmalade. It’ll teach you to be a better person.

Virgo: You have a lot of love to give, so quit trying to rent it out for a few burgers and free wi-fi. Besides, that guy over there is probably a cop. Respect yourself and find a nice sugar daddy.

Libra:  It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye, and then it’s a video for “World’s Dumbest.” Maybe they’ll pay enough to cover the medical bills, or you’ll just be the one-eyed guy in the free t-shirt.

Scorpio: That incredible deal has more than strings attached; there’s a whole macramé of loose ends just waiting for a tug by some pencil-pusher. Find a Boy Scout and learn some knots before you’re tangled in the web.

Sagittarius: You may not get a lucky break, but if you play your cards right you could have a lucky sprain. It doesn’t help with lottery numbers but it could be useful for a cheap scratcher ticket and a cup of coffee.

Capricorn:  If no one is interested in your collection of foreign pencils and rare manila folders, try an evening haunting the aisles at Staples. For every Trapper, there’s a Keeper.

Aquarius: Your desire for order is admirable, but life isn’t a parade neatly marching through. It’s more of a demolition derby, and your junker has lost three headlights and a door. Gas up, get out there and leave your mark.

Pisces: The good news you’ve been waiting for is at your doorstep with bells on. When it knocks, grab it, squeeze it and shake it until you wake the neighbors. That’ll pay them back for the morning leafblower sessions.

Aries: Sometimes karma raps you on the knuckles, and other times it’s a full-on paddlefest. Reflect on the last few idiotic things you’ve done, and prepare to drop your drawers.

Taurus: You may know the strip clubs better than a politician, but your wild side needs a night with popcorn and PJs every now and then. A full-body dip in hand sanitizer wouldn’t hurt, either.

Gemini: Friday night will bring you a stiff drink and a good friend. Or is it the other way around? No matter, you’re likely to wake up in a strange place.

Cancer: You’re feeling the spirit of the season, but trying to swipe your credit card on the nativity scene manger is just wrong. Wait until you get to the gift shop, they offer a discount.

Leo: Lately, even the instant coffee isn’t fast enough for you. If you fast-forward through the boring parts of life, you won’t appreciate the exciting moments.  Plus you’ll miss that cute commercial with the dancing lizard.

Virgo: If you hold out for a Cadillac, you may never learn to drive. Lower your standards and jump into a less than perfect ride; wondering if you’ll make it home is half the fun.

Libra: Some ideas should be nurtured, and others should be left on the vine for the birds to eat.  Let someone else peek at your fruit to see if you have a rotten tomato.

Scorpio: Baby, you’re a star! But are you Meryl Streep in an award-winning role or a half-naked cheerleader being chased by a chain saw maniac? Try to stay classy; those ta-tas aren’t ready for prime time.

Sagittarius: An occasional leap of faith is fine, but it wouldn’t hurt to have the jetpack of experience or the parachute of preparation on board as well. Only Wile E. Coyote can manage that accordion-style recovery.

Capricorn: On Wednesday, the barbarians are at the gate. Hunker down in your cubicle and prepare that paperclip crossbow; you’ll need it if you want to see that holiday bonus check.

Aquarius: Friday will stick to the bottom of your shoe. Scrape it off or the whole weekend will smell funny, and you’ll have to throw Monday in the wash.

Pisces: For about ten minutes, you’ll clearly see what needs to be done and how to do it. Take notes or tell someone, because that clarity has the lifespan of a chocolate doughnut backstage at the Victoria’s Secret show.

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