Aries: You have all the tact of a charging bull, but someone’s found a red cape and they are making you hoof it like a Solid Gold dancer. Take the ring out of your nose and calmly solve your problem before you get the pointy end of the stick.

Taurus: Still waters run deep, but your thoughts aren’t even enough to get someone’s feet wet this week. Quit dreaming about a life in the circus; there’s more to your philosophy, Horatio, than a tiny car full of clowns.

Gemini:  Your family is like a fruitcake: full of fruits and nuts, but tolerable with enough brandy. Keep that in mind on Thursday, because it’s very hard to re-gift your relatives.

Cancer: Joy will land in your heart on Wednesday, and then she’ll probably hold you down and give you a noogie. Hand over your lunch money before she breaks out the purple nurples.

Leo: If you want a perfect holiday, buy a picture or hire a publicist. Until then, just be glad there are enough weird people willing to be around you that long.

Virgo: Your patience has the same lifespan as a bag of cheese puffs in a mancave. Why fight it? Grab some pigskin and learn more about your sweetie’s hobby. If that fails, try football.

Libra: All those pleas to the universe have paid off: on Friday, you will score the ultimate holiday bargain. Don’t brag, it just makes the little people jealous.

Scorpio:  No matter how convincing those infomercials are, you do not need a hair-cutting tool for your vacuum. You’ll just look like a bad accident between Snooki and a lawn mower, so put that credit card away and quit drinking after five.

Sagittarius: Expect a surprise in the workplace this week; could be a bonus check, or just someone’s leftover sub sandwich in the fridge. Either way, it’s a score!

Capricorn: Thomas Jefferson once said “You can’t believe everything on the Internet,” and he was right. Go back to listening to the toaster, it has more wisdom to share than the comments on a blog page.

Aquarius: If you’ve been doing good just to get good stuff back to you, well, sorry. Karma isn’t like Green Stamps. Try doing something nice just because it’s the right thing to do, and see what happens after that.

Pisces: If you always look on the bright side, you’ll get squinty and develop the urge to listen to The Carpenters. Put on some sarcastic sunglasses; they will serve you well in life.